


Stealing Time

by deathmarkedlove_archivist



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-29
Updated: 2007-01-29
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:00:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathmarkedlove_archivist/pseuds/deathmarkedlove_archivist
Summary: Buffy finally gives in to her passion with Spike and finds herself horrified and in a major state of confusion. As she tries to sort her out her life, a mysterious presence threatens her existence. R/NC-17





	Stealing Time

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own none of the characters here. I borrow them so I can be happy when Joss breaks my heart. Please don’t sue. I have nothing of value anyway.  
> Author’s note: I started writing this story after the episode Tabula Rasa. Nothing that happened in episodes after that is included or implied in this story. Mostly, I’ve made up my own little Buffyverse to fit what I’d like to see happen, even though it never will. J
> 
> Summary: Buffy finally gives in to her passion with Spike and finds herself horrified and in a major state of confusion. As she tries to sort her out her life, a mysterious presence threatens her existence.
> 
> Rating: R/NC-17

Buffy lay motionless staring at the ceiling. She felt the weight of Spike’s arm across her stomach and she glanced over at him. He was sound asleep. And why wouldn’t he be after what they had just done? She shifted her gaze back up to the ceiling again and shook her head.

 

She had no idea what she was doing here. This wasn’t what she intended when she showed up at his place tonight. She had gone to tell him that she didn’t want to see him anymore. Things were just getting too weird and complicated. She had made the huge mistake of kissing him once. That was forgivable. But apparently not forgettable. After that one time, it was as if she just couldn’t contain herself anymore.

 

Originally, she had hoped that if she just went ahead and kissed him, that it would somehow get him out of her system. She hadn’t intended for it to feel as right or exciting as it had. So one mistake had turned into two. And then three and so on. And tonight, she had completely surrendered herself.

 

It was like a sickness, she thought. She had come here to put an end to this madness once and for all. But instead, she had kissed him again. Before she even knew what she was doing, their clothes were off. And then there was no turning back. And she hadn’t wanted to turn back. Not at the time. Now she felt ashamed and horrified. But most of all, she felt scared. Not of him, but of herself.

 

She sighed and attempted to gently pick his arm up off her chest. She wiggled her way out of his bed, and searched for her clothes in the darkened room. She found most of them, but couldn’t find her bra. She cursed under her breath, and decided it was a lost cause. She didn’t want to bump into anything and make noise. She just wanted to slip out and never come back here again. She told herself that if she avoided him, it be almost like tonight never happened.

 

She grabbed her shoes and tucked them under her arm. She made her way up the ladder and disappeared out of Spike’s crypt.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

The next night, Spike walked into the Magic Box looking for Buffy. He figured she’d probably be there. He had been annoyed when he woke up alone this morning. Not surprised, of course, but annoyed none the less. He saw Xander and Anya standing behind the counter.

 

“Oh look. Spike’s here.” Xander said sarcastically.

 

“Yeah. Is Buffy here?” He asked, ignoring the sarcasm.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I wanna ask her to the prom. Think she’ll go with me?” Spike asked dryly.

 

“I highly doubt it. But thanks for stopping by. We’re closed now.” Xander said motioning towards the door.

 

“Look, is she here or not? I need to talk to her.” Spike said getting fed up.

 

“She’s in the training room.” Anya finally piped up, tired of listening to their bickering.

 

“Thanks Love.” Spike smiled.

 

He walked towards the back of the shop.

 

In the training room, Buffy was desperately trying to forget about the night before. The best way for her to do that, was to beat the punching bag until it threatened to snap from the ceiling.

 

Everything in her life was so complicated. And now, she had just made things even worse by getting naked with Spike. In fact the words ‘naked’ and ‘Spike’ shouldn’t even be in the same sentence, as far as she was concerned. But it had happened. And worse yet, she had wanted it to happen. It had been her idea. She had been the one to start ripping clothes off.

 

She squeezed her eyes shut to try and block out the memories. That only succeeded in bringing up even more vivid images in her mind. Kisses and caresses. Spike naked…Her eyes sprang open again. And when they did, she saw a fully clothed Spike standing in the doorway. He was watching her assault on the punching bag with amusement. She stared at him for a moment then looked away.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asked with a sigh.

 

“I came to see you.”

 

“Why?”

 

He looked at her strangely and shook his head.

 

“Why do you think?” He asked.

 

She only shrugged and looked away from him.

 

“Don’t you think we should talk about this?” He asked quietly.

 

She shook her head.

 

“No. I’m thinking we shouldn’t.” She said, as she went over and took a drink of her water.

 

He groaned and shook his head.

 

“Come on. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.”

 

“Yes, I can.” She said staring intently at her feet. She was trying to wish him away, but it wasn’t working.

 

He walked over to her and forced himself into her line of sight. She looked up at him and glared.

 

“Just go away. Why do always want to talk about stuff? You’re like a girl.”

 

He threw his hands up in the air and shook his head.

 

“Buffy, this is a big deal. We made love!” He said loudly.

 

Neither of them noticed that Xander and Anya were standing in the doorway listening to them. Their presence was announced by Xander’s loud gasp of shock. Buffy and Spike turned sharply and saw the witnesses standing in mute surprise.

 

“Oh great.” She muttered under her breath. She so did not need this right now.

 

“What?” Xander finally managed, near hyperventilation.

 

Buffy groaned and shook her head, choosing to ignore Xander for the time being. She looked at Spike.

 

“Thanks for making that announcement. And by the way, we did not ‘make love’.” She protested.

 

“Oh, thank God.” Xander said with a sigh of relief.

 

“That was just sex.” Buffy finished.

 

“And then it gets worse.” Xander said shaking his head.

 

“Well, you can call it whatever you want to. Making love, sex, shagging… Doesn’t matter, cause we still did it.” Spike said crossing his arms and ignoring Xander.

 

Buffy rolled her eyes and looked away from him. Xander and Anya were still standing at the door, watching the scene play before them. Xander finally spoke up again.

 

“Oh my god…This isn’t true, right? I mean, you and Spike and the…and…well, I can’t even say the words.” Xander cringed.

 

Buffy looked over at Xander sheepishly. She never meant for him to find out like this. Preferably not at all. Now she wasn’t sure what to say.

 

“Yes, it’s true. But it was just a one time mistake.” She explained.

 

“Actually, it was four times.” Spike chimed in.

 

“Yeah, but it was all in the same night, so that counts as one mistake.” Buffy rationalized.

 

“Four times in one night? Impressive.” Anya smiled at Spike. He smiled back.

 

Xander shifted uncomfortably and looked at Anya.

 

“Four times. Big deal. I could go four times.” He scoffed under his breath.

 

“Well, then why don’t you?” Anya asked.

 

“Because…” Xander began to squirm. He shook his head. “Look, we’re not talking about me here. We’re talking about them. Buffy, what the hell?” He asked completely baffled.

 

“Look Xander, it’s over. It isn’t gonna happen again. I swear. In fact Spike was just leaving.” Buffy said glaring at Spike.

 

“No I wasn’t.” Spike shook his head.

 

“Yes, you were. You wanted to talk, we talked.” She said exasperated with the situation.

 

“You call that talking?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“It looked a lot like avoiding to me.” He said pointedly.

 

She looked at him and then over at Xander and Anya. Everyone seemed to be waiting for her to say something. She didn’t know what to say. A bad situation has just gotten worse. Now there were witnesses. She couldn’t just brush this under the rug like she planned. Finally she just threw her hands up.

 

“Fine. Then I guess I’m the one who’s leaving.” She grabbed her things and pushed past Xander and Anya and headed out the door.

 

Xander turned to Spike.

 

“What did you do to her?” He asked accusingly.

 

“Me? I didn’t do anything.” Spike said defensively.

 

“Obviously you did.” Xander folded his arms angrily.

 

“Four times.” Anya smiled.

 

“Yes, we got that part, An.” Xander said through clenched teeth.

 

Spike groaned and shook his head.

 

“Look, it’s none of your business. This is between me and Buffy.”

 

“Well, it looks like there’s nothing between you and Buffy. So I suggest you forget it ever happened. Apparently she did.” Xander said irritated.

 

Spike glared at him and walked out the door. It wasn’t worth his time to try and talk to this moron, he thought. He was so angry with the whole situation. He didn’t need Harris butting in with his pointless two cents.

 

Xander turned to his fiancée and shook his head.

 

“What the hell just happened here? Did I fall asleep? Was that a nightmare? Please tell me that was a nightmare.” He said to her.

 

Anya just looked at him sympathetically.

 

“Come on honey. Let’s finish closing up the shop and we can go home. Cause you know, four times? That _was_ impressive.”

 

He smiled at her slightly, then shook his head.

 

“No. Ick. I mean, now all I can think about is the two of them with the nakedness and the four times. Sex is now ruined for me forever.” He protested.

 

She raised her eyebrow.

 

“It better not be. I have needs.”

 

“I know. I’m just saying, the grotesque imagery in my head…It might be a little hard to concentrate.” He explained.

 

“Well, let’s go home and see if I can put some non-grotesque images in your head.” She said suggestively.

 

He sighed and smiled. They headed out to close up the shop. Some things were best left forgotten. This was definitely one of those things.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

Buffy walked slowly towards her house. Her evening had started out crappy and had just gotten worse. Now Xander and Anya knew about her little indiscretion. Somehow, that made it even more real.

 

She was lost in thought and wasn’t looking where she was walking. She bumped right into Spike who was standing in the middle of the sidewalk watching her. She gasped out in surprise, startled at their contact.

 

“Where did you come from? Are you following me?” She asked irritated.

 

“No. I was just out walking and you happened to be here.” He gave his routine speech without enthusiasm.

 

“Right. It’s funny how that always seems to happen.” She said sarcastically.

 

“Look, you don’t want to talk? Fine. But, I thought you might need this.” He said holding out her missing bra and dangling it in front of her.

 

She yanked it out of his hand and quickly stuffed it into her jacket pocket. She glared at him.

 

“You don’t have to wave it around like a triumphant flag. God Spike, you are so disgusting.” She said irritated.

 

He just smirked at her.

 

“You didn’t think I was disgusting last night.” He knew he was looking to get beat up, taunting her like this. But she was driving him crazy.

 

“Yes I did.” She said crossing her arms defiantly.

 

“Oh really? So then what was with all the ‘Oh Spike, yes Spike’ moaning you were doing? Is that how you act when you’re disgusted?” He raised his eyebrow.

 

She glared at him and clenched her teeth.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Why? It’s true. It’s a good thing all my neighbors are corpses, considering all that noise you were making.” He smirked.

 

“Ugh! It wasn’t that good. Did it ever occur to you that I was faking it?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Right. Cause you’d fake it so you wouldn’t hurt my feelings, is that it?” He asked, rolling his eyes. “Please. I know when a woman is enjoying herself. And last night? Well, let’s just say you were not complaining.”

 

She had nothing to say to that. She could deny it, but it was a lie. It was good. Really good. So good, that she couldn’t think about anything else but doing it again. Those thoughts were making her crazy. She threw her hands up in frustration.

 

“Just go…be elsewhere. I’m not discussing this. Yes, it happened. And no, it won’t happen again. Deal with it.” She said angrily as she turned around to leave.

 

His minor amusement turned into anger. He was so tired of her head games. He glared at her.

 

“You’re the one who needs to deal with it.”

 

“Why? Because you say so? Leave me alone. Get. Over. It!” She shouted at him.

 

Then she turned again and began to walk off quickly.

 

“I won’t be ignored, Buffy.” He shouted after her.

 

She stopped in her tracks and turned around.

 

“Don’t go all ‘Fatal Attraction’ on me. I swear to God if I come home and my pet rabbit is boiling away on the stove—“

 

“You don’t even have a pet rabbit!” He shouted exasperated.

 

“Well, if I did… Besides, the point is, it’s over. So don’t bother me, and don’t expect it to happen again, cause it won’t.” She marched off and refused to look back again.

 

“Fine! I won’t bother you. But you know you’ll be back. You always come back!” He shouted after her.

 

She tried to block his voice out of her head. She did always come back. She knew it. He knew it. But she just couldn’t deal with that right now. She couldn’t deal with any of this. And she doubted that she ever could.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

A couple of nights later, Buffy was out on a patrol. The last few days had been a mass of confusion. Xander had tried to grill her further, and she refused to talk about it. It was just so awkward. She knew she couldn’t explain it to him, when she didn’t even understand it herself. Finally, he had just relented and backed off. He was still walking on eggshells around her. He didn’t want to upset her and push her away even further.

 

And now she was firmly back in denial land. People make mistakes, she told herself. She was no different. She was confused and depressed. It was only natural to do certain things to make ones self feel better. And for her, sex with a former enemy apparently sounded like a good idea at the time. Though in hindsight, now that it was over, it hadn’t brought her much joy. More like excruciating torment. And not because it was so awful, but because it had been so good.

 

It had felt so right that she wanted it to happen again. But she knew it was insane and wrong, thus causing her much pain. If it had been terrible, then maybe she could forget about it. But now, it was as if she could think of nothing else. It was ridiculous.

 

Just as she was deciding to head home, she felt a cold chill come over her. She stopped in her tracks and looked around. There wasn’t a breeze and the evening air was actually fairly mild considering that it was nearly winter time. She wasn’t even wearing a jacket tonight. She sighed and tried to shake off the strange feeling. She started walking again.

 

As she walked, she felt the chill overcome her again. She felt something brush over her shoulder. She turned around and saw no one there. Her heart began to beat a little faster. Something was strange. There was a definite bad vibration in the air. She quickened her pace and hugged her arms to her chest tightly, to warm herself. Suddenly, she felt a burning pain on the back of her shoulder. She grabbed it and whirled around. She saw a faint black mist hanging in the air. A gust of wind blew over her. In the wind she heard what sounded like a whisper.

 

“You can’t escape…” She heard faintly.

 

She watched as the wind swirled the black mist in front of her. Then as suddenly as it appeared, it disappeared. She clutched her shoulder and took off running. She wanted to get away from whatever it was that she just witnessed.

 

Once she stopped running, she found herself in a familiar cemetery. Spike’s cemetery. She silently cursed her feet for bringing her here yet again. She stopped in her tracks and began to turn around. She shouldn’t be here. She swore she wouldn’t come here again. She didn’t _want_ to come here, but it was almost like she couldn’t control herself.

 

That thing in the cemetery had really freaked her out. She felt like she needed someone safe right now. It was laughable that Spike made her feel safe, but he did. This wasn’t the first time she’d ran to him when she needed someone. And despite her protest to the contrary, she knew it wouldn’t be the last either. Finally, she sighed and headed over to his crypt.

 

She pushed the door open softly, and couldn’t help but hope he might not be there. It would be easier that way. Her silent wish fell on deaf ears. He was sitting there watching the television. He turned and groaned when he saw who was calling. She was so predictable, it was almost amusing. Almost.

 

“Well, well. Here you are. Again. Look’s like it’s not me doing the ‘Fatal Attraction’ bit.” He said giving her an exasperated look.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just so entertaining, really. You lasted what? Four days?” He laughed.

 

“Quit being so smug. It’s not like you’re irresistible or anything.” She said rolling her eyes. She knew this was a bad idea. He would never let her live this down.

 

“Well, I must be. At least to you.”

 

“You’re not. Look, it’s just—.”

 

“It’s just what? You need some help? Need a shoulder to cry on? Or maybe you just need another good shag?” He smirked.

 

She gave him a disgusted look.

 

“You know what? I don’t know why I’m here. It was obviously a bad idea. Just forget it.” She said turning around and heading for the door.

 

He watched her turn around and saw a large spot of blood seeping through the back of her shirt. He couldn’t help but be curious and concerned. He wished he could stop giving a damn, but he couldn’t. He stood up from his chair and called after her.

 

“Buffy, wait. What happened?” He asked sincerely.

 

She turned to face him again with her hands on her hips.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“You’re bleeding.” He said as he walked over towards her.

 

She touched her hand to the back of her shoulder and came up with blood stained fingers.

 

“Damn it. This is a new shirt.” She said shaking her head.

 

He walked up behind her to have a better look.

 

“Get into a little scuffle?” He asked.

 

“Sort of. That’s kinda why I came here. Although, I’m thinking now that coming here was a really bad decision. Kind of like all the decisions I make regarding you.” She said with a sigh.

 

He ignored her jab and shook his head.

 

“You seem a little shaken.” He observed.

 

“I am a little. I think there’s something strange out there.”

 

“This is Sunnydale, Love. There’s always something strange out there.”

 

“I know. But this was different. It wasn’t a vampire or anything.” She said with a worried look.

 

He absorbed her worry and sighed.

 

“Well, lets have a look at that shoulder then you can tell me about this stranger than normal thing.” He said seriously.

 

“You think I’m gonna take my shirt off again for you? Please. It’s just a scratch. I’m fine.” She said rolling her eyes.

 

“I don’t know why you’re suddenly shy. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before. In fact I’ve seen it quite a lot. Touched it too.” He said with a smirk.

 

She groaned and shook her head.

 

“You’re a pig.”

 

“Do you want me to look at it or not?” He sighed.

 

“Fine.” She relented.

 

He smiled satisfactorily and lifted the back of her shirt up. He uncovered her shoulder and noticed the source of the bleeding. It was a rather large ‘X’ carved deeply into her shoulder blade.

 

“So? What’s it look like? A scratch?” She asked, feeling highly uncomfortable with his hands on her bare skin.

 

He frowned.

 

“It’s a carving of some sort.”

 

“A carving?”

 

“It’s an ‘X’. Like ‘X’ marks the spot. Do you have buried treasure hidden somewhere?” He asked with a small smirk.

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” She smiled in spite of herself.

 

“I already know.” He purred suggestively.

 

Suddenly she grew highly uncomfortable again. She wasn’t supposed to be flirting with him. She was supposed to be trying to hate him again. She turned around sharply, and he let her shirt fall down over her back.

 

“Let’s get back on topic, okay?” She said flustered.

 

“Alright. So what happened? Who did this?” He asked.

 

“It wasn’t a ‘who’. It was a ‘what’. And I have no idea. It was like a cold chill and then there was this black mist thingy. My shoulder hurt, but I just got the hell out of there.” She explained.

 

“A black mist? Did it have a knife?” He asked.

 

“No. It didn’t have hands. Or a body or anything. But I heard a voice. It was like a whisper. It said I couldn’t escape, whatever that means. It sort of freaked me out a little. I mean, demons? Yeah, got that covered. But I don’t know what this was. And apparently it didn’t like me.” She said seriously.

 

He looked at her intently. He was just as clueless as she was.

 

“Well, we’ll figure it out.” He said finally.

 

“Yeah, cause I have so much to go on. Man, I really need Giles. He’d know what to do.” She said sadly, as she moved away from the door and slumped down in a chair.

 

“We can figure out what to do. It’s probably nothing. At least nothing we can’t handle.” He told her confidently.

 

“What’s all this ‘we’ stuff anyway? I thought you were mad at me.” She said looking away from him.

 

“You were the one who was mad at me.” He said pointedly.

 

“I wasn’t mad. I was just…irritated.” She said sheepishly.

 

He laughed a little and shook his head.

 

“Well, I’m used to that. You’re always irritated with me. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna let some black misty bastard carve interesting designs on your body.” He said sincerely.

 

She looked up at him and couldn’t help but smile. He was the last person who should want to help her now. In fact, he was always the last person who should want to help her, but he never failed to be there. She hated how warm her heart grew when she thought about him. She needed to leave before she did anything stupid. Again.

 

She stood up.

 

“I better go.” She said quickly.

 

“Sure it’s safe? What if that thing is still out there?” He asked concerned and not eager for her to go.

 

“Guess I’ll just take my chances. Since Willow’s gone, Dawn’s home alone now.” She said quietly.

 

Spike knew that Buffy and Willow had fought earlier, which resulted in Willow moving out of the house. Buffy hadn’t even wanted to talk about it.

 

“Have you heard from the witch lately?” He asked curiously.

 

“No. She’s not speaking to me. But that’s fine. I mean, I don’t care.” She said flippantly, trying to disguise the pain their quarrel had actually caused.

 

“Right.”

 

“Look, it’s late. And I really do need to go. Responsibilities, you know?” She sighed.

 

He walked over to her.

 

“Want me to walk you home?”

 

“No.” She said firmly.

 

“Fine.” He said exasperated with her once again.

 

She softened her tone.

 

“I mean, you can if you want. You don’t have to.”

 

He smiled.

 

“Let me get my coat.”

 

They walked out and headed towards her house. It was awkward for her. She felt like she wanted to say something to him, but she just didn’t know what. They walked in silence until she finally decided to speak.

 

“Spike?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I can’t believe I’m going to say this but… I’m sorry. I know I freaked out on you, and said some things...” She said softly, as she stared at her feet.

 

“You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t locked in a constant state of denial.” He sighed.

 

She rolled her eyes.

 

“I’m not in denial.”

 

“Denying that you’re in denial? That’s funny.” He laughed. “Face it, you are the queen of denial.”

 

“I am not! What happened with us, It was a mistake. A huge one. But…I’m sorry if I hurt you.” She said with an uncomfortable sigh.

 

“No you’re not.” He said plainly.

 

“What?” She asked angrily.

 

“You’re not sorry. You wanted to hurt me. You wanted to make me furious with you. You hoped that maybe if you made me angry enough, I’d stop wanting to be with you. That I’d just give up.” He told her heatedly.

 

“Did it work?” She snapped at him.

 

“No. I can’t give up.”

 

They were in front of her house now, and she turned to look at him.

 

“Why can’t you give up?” She asked with irritation.

 

He looked at her and sighed. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. He pulled back and shrugged.

 

“Some things are worth waiting for. And fighting for.”

 

Then he turned around and walked off. She stood in front of her house and watched him disappear. Why did he always have to do that? Why did he always have to be right about everything? She felt like screaming every time she was with him. He saw right through her like she was transparent. And maybe she was. At least to him. She sighed and shook her head as she headed into her house.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

The next day Buffy walked into the Magic Box to see Anya. She was feeling desperate to talk to someone, preferably a female someone, and Anya was the only one she knew right now. Times like this, she really missed Willow.

 

Anya was busy with a customer, so Buffy sat down and waited. Once they had left, Anya smiled and came over to Buffy.

 

“Is something wrong? You look very morose.” Anya asked.

 

“No. Things are fine.” She lied.

 

“Oh, well that’s good.” Anya said cheerfully.

 

Buffy sighed.

 

“Actually, there is something. Well, a whole lotta something’s. Could we, you know, talk?” Buffy asked uncomfortably.

 

“You want to talk to me?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, this sounds exciting. Will this be like actual ‘girl talk’? Boys, and sex and nail polish?” Anya asked happily.

 

“Well, maybe not the nail polish part. But I do like that color your wearing.” Buffy added with a small smile.

 

“Well, thank you. I just got it the other day. I wasn’t going to get it, but then Xander said it would be sexy.

So then—.” Anya began rambling.

 

“I didn’t actually want to talk about nail polish, Anya.” Buffy rolled her eyes.

 

“Oh, right. So what is it? Is this about the four times with Spike?” Anya asked bluntly.

 

Buffy cringed inwardly and nodded her head.

 

“Yeah. Sort of. Do you think I’m disgusting or insane?” She asked nervously.

 

“No. I mean, he is very attractive.”

 

“Yeah, he is. But he’s a vampire. And worse yet, he’s Spike. I mean, ew.” Buffy made a face.

 

“Well, you obviously weren’t thinking he was all ‘ew’ when you were, well, you know. Four times.”

 

“Yeah. It was pretty wild.” Buffy smiled to herself. Then she shook her head to dispel the memories. “Still, I know Xander nearly burst a blood vessel the other night.”

 

“Well Xander has issues. Don’t take it personally. He’s very protective of you. I must admit, it’s really annoying.” Anya said shaking her head.

 

“Still, I can’t help but think that no one will ever accept this.”

 

“Well, what’s there to accept? I thought you said it was over? One time mistake, and all that.” Anya said quizzically.

 

“It was. A one time, never happen again mistake. You’re right. I should just forget about it, and move on.” Buffy said quickly.

 

Anya smiled.

 

“So, did I help you? Are you feeling better now?” Anya asked hopefully.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Alright then. That was fun. We should do this again. But right now, I have another customer.” Anya said, getting up and rushing to greet her patron.

 

Buffy sighed and slumped down in her chair. She didn’t feel better. She felt the same, or possibly even more confused. And more than a little lonely. Anya meant well, but Buffy still didn’t feel close to her. Not like Willow. Not like Giles. Not like her mother.

 

She missed them all terribly and all of them were gone now in one respect or another. It seemed like everyone was slipping away from her. She pushed back her emotions and stood up from the table. She headed into the training room to punch away her pain and loneliness.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

That evening, Buffy patrolled alone again. The night had grown cold, and she hugged her jacket tighter to her chest. There was a strong wind that had just picked up as she walked slowly through the cemetery. She glanced up at the night sky and noticed that it was completely dark. Storm clouds obstructed the moon and stars, plunging everything into blackness. For some reason, the atmosphere disturbed her.

 

She turned around and began to walk on to the next area to patrol. Apparently, even the vampires were too wigged out by the weird weather, to even bother coming out for a bite to eat. Just then, she felt a presence behind her. She clutched her stake and whirled around, prepared to fight.

 

As she turned, she was suddenly knocked off her feet. She landed hard on her back and stared up at the sky. She struggled to get up, but something was holding her down. She couldn’t stop the panic from rising in her chest. As she stared upwards, she saw the same black mist from before, swirling around above her.

 

“Okay, Mr. Misty. What the hell do you want, huh?” She shouted into the air.

 

“You think you’re real? You think you’re actually alive?” She heard the ethereal whisper in the wind.

 

She gasped when she felt invisible hands around her throat. She tried to pull them off, but there was nothing there. Only pressure and pain, as she felt her breathing being squeezed off. She flailed around, trying desperately to shake off her invisible attacker. She felt the sensation of something cutting into the skin along her neck. Was it a claw? A dagger? She didn’t see anything and couldn’t even scream.

 

“You don’t belong here.” The voice hissed.

 

Just then, the force that was holding her down, gave way. She lay there gasping for breath, and clutching at her neck. She watched as the mist swirled quickly above her and dissipated. She stared at the ominous sky, trying to discern where the mist had gone. She saw a flash of lightening and was startled by the immediate crack of thunder. Large raindrops began to pelt her from above.

 

She grabbed her stake off the ground and stood up shakily. She steadied herself on a nearby grave stone. As the rain began to fall harder, she started walking slowly out of the cemetery. The rain was falling in sheets now, and the wind kept whipping the droplets into her face. It felt like a million tiny knives slicing into her skin. But she didn’t care. She didn’t notice. She was numb.

 

 

She walked aimlessly, knowing she should be heading for home. But something about the rain soothed her. It was almost a cleansing feeling. She wasn’t sure if she was crying or not because the raindrops kept pelting her face, and stinging her eyes. The emptiness she felt was only made stronger by the words of some mystical, ghostly voice echoing in her head. _You don’t belong here…_

 

She looked around and noticed that she was in an alley now. The rain sounded like tiny pebbles in a tin can, as they bounced off of a metal dumpster. The noise was almost deafening. She kept walking. As she rounded the corner, she saw someone coming towards her. Her eyesight was obscured by the water in her eyes, but as he moved closer, she recognized him.

 

Spike saw her wandering along the alleyway. He had gone for a drink and wound up getting caught in the rain. He hadn’t expected to see her out here. He called her name.

 

“Buffy?”

 

She didn’t answer, so he walked quicker towards her. As he grew closer, he saw the pain in her eyes and the blood seeping from her neck. The rain diluted it, and made the collar of her white shirt turn pink.

 

“What’s wrong, Love? Did you get bitten?” He asked concerned.

 

“No. Um, it’s just a cut. It’s not deep.” She said blankly as her hand traveled to her neck.

 

“What happened?” He asked curiously.

 

She just stared at him. Finally she whispered.

 

“Am I alive?”

 

“What?” He had no idea what was wrong with her or what she was talking about.

 

 

She looked at him intently, reading the worry and confusion on his face. Then she moved closer. She grabbed his jacket and yanked him to her. Her lips assaulted his furiously. He was taken by surprise for a moment, but it wasn’t long before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly to him.

 

She pushed him back against the building they were standing in front of. She was trying so hard to feel something. Anything. She was desperately trying to prove that thing wrong. She _was_ alive. She needed to feel alive.

 

Finally, she had to pull away because their kisses were almost suffocating. He looked into her sad eyes, searching for answers.

 

“Not that I’m complaining, but what are you doing?” He asked.

 

“I just…I don’t know.” She said breathlessly.

 

“Buffy, what’s going on?” He asked softly.

 

“Am I alive?” She repeated her earlier question.

 

“Yes. Of course you are.”

 

“It said I wasn’t really alive. That I’m not even real. I don’t belong here.” She said, feeling a sob catch in her throat.

 

“What? Who said that?” He asked.

 

“That thing. That misty thing. It came back. It said I wasn’t alive.”

 

“Pet, you’re alive. You know that.” He said, touching her face gently.

 

“Am I? I mean, what if I’m just some kind of walking corpse? Like you.” She said pointedly.

 

He rolled his eyes.

 

“You’re not a corpse.”

 

“Then why do I feel so dead? Why is it that the only time I really feel alive, is when I’m kissing a dead man? And why can’t you just leave me alone? Can’t you see that you’re making things more complicated for me?” She asked angrily.

 

“What?” He wasn’t sure why all of sudden she was yelling at him.

 

“This. Us. Kissing and other things. It’s just making things worse. Can’t you see that?”

 

“Why the hell are you putting this off on me?”

 

“Because. It’s your fault.”

 

“My fault? I didn’t ask you to kiss me just now. In fact I never did. You’re the one who can’t keep your lips off me. And the other night, with the shagging? That was all your idea. I’m still sewing the buttons back on my favorite shirt, after you ripped it off. So don’t blame me for this.” He shouted angrily.

 

“You could have stopped me.” She yelled, as the rain continued pummeling down on them.

 

“Stop you? Why would I want to do that?”

 

“Because! I was confused.”

 

“You’re confused? How the hell do you think I feel? You pull me in, then tell me I should leave you alone. I try to, and you just keep coming back! Make up your bloody mind!”

 

“Fine! I don’t need you. I’d rather feel all dead inside than be with you.” She said cruelly.

 

“Oh, poor you. You feel all dead inside. I’m crying a bloody river here.” He mocked her.

 

“I hate you.”

 

“I hate you too.” He hissed through clenched teeth.

 

They stood in the alley in the pouring rain. They glared at each other intently, almost as if they were challenging each other with their eyes. Finally, Buffy snapped.

 

She jumped into his arms and began kissing him again. His first instinct was the throw her off of him and walk away. But he just couldn’t do it. He was as confused as she was. He wanted to push her away, but at the same time, he wanted her so badly. She was driving him mad. But at this point, he just didn’t care.

 

“You are driving me insane.” He said between her urgent kisses.

 

“I know.” She whispered back.

 

She grabbed his hand and started pulling him along with her.

 

“Where are we going?” He asked.

 

“Your place.”

 

He smiled and shook his head. If he wasn’t already dead, she’d kill him for sure. His brain was still spinning from this little incoherent encounter. One minute she was kissing him, the next she was yelling at him for letting her do it. The she was kissing him again. It was tiring but exhilarating at the same time. One thing was for sure, she kept him constantly guessing.

 

They made their way quickly in the pouring rain. By now, they were both completely soaked and their clothes looked painted on. Her long skirt was plastered against her legs and her white shirt had become transparent over her skin. It was driving him wild. Every once in awhile, he’d have to stop walking, just to kiss her again.

 

Finally, they were inside of his crypt, neither really knowing how they had gotten there. All they knew, is that it was warmer and drier than it was outside. She grabbed him roughly and pressed her lips to his. She felt his tongue invade her mouth and she couldn’t suppress her excitement.

 

She yanked his wet jacket off and tossed it aside. He did the same for her. She ran her hands down his chest and grabbed his shirt. She pulled it apart roughly, sending the buttons flying everywhere.

 

“Looks like you’ve got more sewing to do.” She smiled as she kissed him again.

 

He ran his hands down over her breasts and caressed them through the saturated fabric. With one movement, he ripped her shirt open in the same manner she had done. He smirked at her.

 

“Looks like you’ve got some sewing to do yourself.”

 

She smiled and pushed him backwards. He fell onto the ground and she leapt on top of him, straddling his legs. He reached up and ripped her rain soaked bra off and tossed it away. His hands immediately went to her breasts, caressing the stiff peaks that were hardened from the cold, and from his touch.

 

She moaned softly and he raised himself up to take one of her nipples into his mouth. His tongue circled around it as he sucked it gently. He kissed and licked his way over her breasts. She felt his lips and tongue and teeth exploring her body and she shuddered. He kissed his way up the side of her neck. To his surprise, on his tongue, was the coppery taste of her blood.

 

He had almost forgotten about the gash across her neck. It wasn’t bleeding much anymore, but it was enough to make him dizzy with need. He couldn’t help it. He was still a vampire. He snaked his tongue out and gently licked across her wound. She knew she should probably be turned off by that, but she wasn’t. The sensation of his tongue made her squeeze her eyes shut in ecstasy. She moaned.

 

“Oh god…You taste so good.” He murmured, as he began gently sucking along her neck.

 

Her hands reached down and fumbled with his zipper. His pants were practically glued onto his cold skin, from the rain. After a brief struggle, she managed to free him. He ran his hands underneath her skirt and gripped her panties firmly. He ripped them off, not wanting to take the time to pull them off slowly.

 

He was sitting up now and pulled her onto his lap. He couldn’t help but let out a moan, as he felt himself being sheathed tightly in her warmth. Even after the other night, he still couldn’t get over the utter bliss of being inside her.

 

She began to move slowly, grinding her body against his. He continued to kiss her neck, gently nibbling his way upward, until he met her lips again. He felt her tongue dart out and she ran it across his lower lip, teasing him.

 

He grabbed her tighter, and flipped her over onto the ground. She wrapped her legs around him, as he continued plunging himself into her depths. She felt her climax building and she dug her nails into his back. He kissed her harder.

 

His lips trailed down the side of her face, and onto her neck again. She grabbed his hair and forced his head up. He gazed at her intently, watching the expression of ecstasy on her face. They were watching each other. Connecting on a level that he never even thought possible. She felt it too, and it frightened her. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly in a desperate attempt to sever that connection. She concentrated only on the feel of his body and what it was doing to her.

 

He felt her body begin to quake with passion and her walls closed around him tightly. Her cries of pleasure were like music to his ears. He couldn’t hold on. He groaned loudly and buried his face in her damp hair, as his body shuddered in rhythm with hers.

 

They lay there on the hard ground, half clothed, wet, and completely spent. He rolled off of her slowly and lay by her side. They both stared at the ceiling, not saying a word. He glanced over at her, to see if he could read her emotions. He saw a faint smile on her lips, which gratified him.

 

He rolled over and put his arm across her stomach, as he lay his head on her bare chest. She began stroking his hair softly, but still didn’t say anything. She was completely confused. She didn’t know what she was doing anymore. Nothing made sense at all. She had told herself that the only thing to do was stay away from him. But she just couldn’t seem to follow through.

 

Finally, she broke the silence.

 

“Spike?” She said softly.

 

He looked up at her expectantly. Was she finally going to admit that she felt something for him? That they shared something completely intense and magical?

 

“Yes, Love?”

 

“I’m cold.”

 

He sighed. Okay, so it wasn’t an admission of love, but at least she was speaking. And not yelling at him either. He sat up and buttoned his pants. He walked over to his chair and grabbed a blanket. He brought it over to her.

 

“Thanks.” She said softly, not looking at him. She wrapped it around her shoulders and held it tightly to her body.

 

“You know, maybe you should get out of that wet skirt. You might feel better.” He offered.

 

“Yeah. I don’t suppose you have something I could change into while my clothes dry?”

 

“Downstairs. Come on.” He said offering her his hand.

 

She took it and followed him down the ladder. He went to his dresser and pulled out some clothes. He handed her a shirt and stared down into the dresser drawer uncomfortably. He wasn’t sure if he should pull the other item out or not. Finally, he sighed. He picked up the pair of panties from the back of the drawer and handed them to her.

 

“Here.”

 

She grabbed them and stared at him in disbelief.

 

“Are these mine?”

 

He nodded.

 

She stared at him incredulously.

 

“What are you doing with these?” She asked. Then she shook her head. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

 

She pulled them on and peeled her wet skirt off. She dropped the blanket from around her shoulders and pulled his dry shirt over her head. By now, he had changed his clothes and was sitting on the edge of the bed watching her.

 

She walked over to him and sat down. They sat in uncomfortable silence for several minutes. Finally he spoke.

 

“So you wanna talk?” He asked.

 

“No. There’s nothing to talk about.” She said quickly.

 

He rolled his eyes.

 

“I meant about the thing that attacked you. You seemed pretty shaken up about it earlier.” He explained.

 

“Oh, that. Right. Yeah.” She stammered feeling foolish.

 

“So? What happened?”

 

“I was just out patrolling and it came out of nowhere. This time, it knocked me down and tried to choke me. That’s when it said that I wasn’t alive and didn’t belong here.” She explained.

 

“And the cut? Invisible knife again?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“So what do you think this is?”

 

“I don’t know. It’s obviously not a good thing and it seems to want me dead. Again.”

 

“Is it a ghost or something?”

 

“I-I don’t know. Something similar happened right after I got back. This ghost thing started possessing everyone and tried to kill me. But I got rid of it. At least I thought I did.” She said shaking her head.

 

“Well, maybe it’s something else?”

 

“Maybe. I wish I could talk to Willow. She might know. I mean, if it has something to do with her spell again.” She said quietly.

 

“Why don’t you just call her?”

 

“Because. She doesn’t want to talk to me. And I don’t really want to talk to her. She keeps trying to mess with my mind and I’m freaked by it. I-I don’t wanna see her right now.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I don’t really feel like talking about this. It’s all just too creepy.” She said laying back onto his bed.

 

Lately, all she wanted to do was avoid her problems. She didn’t want to actively deal with anything anymore. Avoidance was easier.

 

He laid down next to her and began stroking her hair gently. He nuzzled his face against her neck and began kissing it softly. He just couldn’t get enough of her.

 

She smiled under his touch and then quickly tried to shake the sensation away. She nudged him away from her.

 

“Stop.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because. We aren’t doing that again. That thing, upstairs? That was the last time.”

 

“Uh-huh.” He agreed as he began gently nibbling on her earlobe.

 

“I’m serious. Stop it.” She said firmly.

 

He sighed and looked at her with amusement.

 

“Don’t look at me like that. I _am_ serious. That was it. It’s out of my system now.” She protested.

 

“Right. Me too.” He said with a smirk.

 

He leaned over and kissed her lips softly. He was tired of her games. He had sat back and took her indecision long enough. He wasn’t giving in.

 

She wanted to push him away, but she just didn’t have the willpower. She kissed him back. He pulled away and whispered into her ear softly.

 

“Are you sure I’m out of your system?”

 

“Yes. Totally.” She said weakly.

 

He nibbled her ear again and felt her shudder under his touch.

 

“Well, maybe one more time. Just to be sure.” She told him.

 

She grabbed him and kissed him hard. He responded readily. She peeled his shirt off again, but this time he hadn’t buttoned it. She smiled into his kiss.

 

“This is really the last time though.”

 

“Whatever you say.” He said, as he removed her clothing once again.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

 

Buffy walked into the Magic Box the next evening. She figured she better tell what was left of the gang, about her little ghostly problem. She saw Anya and Xander sitting at table looking through bridal magazines. Anya was beaming and Xander looked incredibly bored. He looked up and smiled when Buffy walked in.

 

“Buff! Hey. What’s up?” He said just a tad too enthusiastically.

 

Buffy could tell he was eager for something to talk about besides their upcoming nuptials.

 

“Not too much. Whatcha’ guys doing?”

 

“Just looking at wedding dresses. Maybe you could help me pick one out?” Anya asked eagerly.

 

“Sure.” Buffy smiled.

 

Xander noticed the cut on Buffy’s neck and frowned.

 

“What happened to your neck?”

 

“Got cut. It’s no big. It’s almost healed.” She shrugged.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about something. You see, there’s this thing that’s sort of after me. I’m not sure what to make of it.”

 

“A thing? What kind of thing?” Xander asked curiously.

 

“I don’t actually know. It’s like a ghost or a spirit or something. Remember the freaky demon ghost? It’s kind of like that, I think.” She explained.

 

“But we got rid of that, right? Willow said it was just a one time, temporary thing.” Xander said confused.

 

“Yeah, well, it might be something else. I don’t know. But this is the second time it’s attacked me.”

 

“Why haven’t you killed it?” Anya asked.

 

“Well for starters, I don’t know how. It doesn’t even have a shape or anything. It’s like a black mist. That’s kinda why I’m here. I thought maybe you guys could help me research it or something.” Buffy said hopefully.

 

“Oh, sure. Right. Okay.” Xander nodded his head.

 

“Right now? I mean, we were kinda in the middle of something.” Anya protested.

 

“Oh. Well, I guess we could do it another time.” Buffy said softly.

 

“No. It’s fine. We can pick out a wedding dress any time, Anya. Buffy needs our help. That’s what we do, right? We help.” Xander said with a smile.

 

“Thanks.” Buffy smiled. Then she stood up. “I’m gonna go downstairs and get some of the books Giles left behind.”

 

Buffy walked to the basement door and headed down. Anya turned to Xander and groaned.

 

“Why do we always have to stop what we’re doing and help her?” She complained.

 

“Because. She’s our friend. This is what we do. With Giles gone, and Willow doing whatever it is she’s doing now, she needs us.” Xander explained.

 

“I don’t see why. I mean, this is her job, not ours. Isn’t she supposed to be more self sufficient?”

 

“Give her a break, An. She’s still going through some tough stuff.” Xander said, growing irritated with his fiancées callousness.

 

Buffy walked up the basement stairs with an armload of books. She paused at the door when she heard her name come up in their conversation.

 

“I realize that Buffy is still all bitter and depressed, but what about us? We have lives too, don’t we?” Anya said bluntly.

 

“Come on. I know it’s a little annoying doing research and stuff, but it’s always been this way.”

 

“Doesn’t it bother you? I mean, Giles left because he wanted her to be more self reliant. Shouldn’t we follow his lead?” Anya asked.

 

“I guess. But look, it’s just a little research. You don’t have to help if you don’t want to.”

 

“It’s not that Xander. It’s just…When are we going to start having a real life? Sometimes I just want to curl up with you and plan our future. I-I don’t like always worrying that we won’t have one because we’re so busy fighting monsters. And it isn’t even our job.” She told him seriously.

 

“I know. I feel that way too sometimes.” He admitted.

 

Buffy listened to their conversation and felt her eyes welling with tears. They were right. It wasn’t their job. It was hers. She was putting their future in jeopardy every time she asked for their help. She swallowed her sorrow and opened the door loudly, to announce her presence.

 

“Hey. Did you find the books?” Xander asked with a forced smile.

 

“Yeah. But listen, I’ll just take them with me. I know you guys were busy. I can handle this.” Buffy said putting on a brave face.

 

“Are you sure? I mean, we could still help.” Xander offered.

 

“No. That’s alright. This is my job. Not yours.” She said softly.

 

Xander’s face fell and he wondered if she had overheard their conversation.

 

“Buffy…” He started.

 

“I’ll see you guys later. Have fun picking out a dress.” Buffy turned and walked out the door with the books clutched under her arm.

 

Buffy walked down the street slowly. Everything was crumbling. Just like she had always feared. She always knew deep down that she’d end up alone, and she was right. In high school, things were different. She supposed that being young and stupid, her friends found a certain excitement in saving the world from monsters.

 

But after living it for so long, it was wearing thin for them. They all wanted real lives, and she couldn’t blame them. She did too. The only problem was, that she couldn’t just quit. She couldn’t curl up with her normal boyfriend and plan her future the way Anya wanted to. The way Anya deserved to.

 

And Willow. Buffy didn’t know what to do about her. She had completely gone over the edge with her magic. Buffy knew she should be with her, trying to help her get through her issues. But she had too many issues of her own right now. She couldn’t even begin to help Willow, when she couldn’t help herself.

 

Buffy wiped her tears off of her face and walked into her house. Dawn was sitting in the living room with Tara. They stopped talking when she walked in the door.

 

“Hey Buffy.” Dawn said with a smile.

 

“Hey guys.” Buffy said to both of them.

 

“Um, Dawnie and I were just thinking about going to a movie. You wanna come?” Tara asked, noticing that it looked like Buffy had been crying.

 

“No. I’ve got some Slayer stuff to do. You guys go and have fun.” Buffy managed a smile.

 

“Are you sure? We were gonna catch that new Brad Pitt movie. I hear he takes his shirt off a lot. Might make you feel better.” Dawn offered with a hopeful smile.

 

“Of course, I’m going for the incredible story telling, not Brad Pitt.” Tara added.

 

Buffy smiled at that and shook her head.

 

“Thanks, but duty calls.”

 

“Okay. Um, is it alright if I stay at Tara’s tonight? The movie kind of gets out late and if you’re slaying and stuff…” Dawn asked.

 

“Sure. Have fun. I’ll see you later.” Buffy turned and went upstairs.

 

Dawn turned to Tara and frowned.

 

“She’s always so gloomy. I-I just wish things could be like they were before.” She said sadly.

 

“I know. Me too. I-I think she’s getting a little better though.” Tara offered sympathetically.

 

“Yeah. I’m really glad I have you though, Tara. You’re kinda like my other big sister.” Dawn said sincerely.

 

“I’m glad I’ve got you too. I always wanted a little sister.” Tara smiled.

 

Upstairs, Buffy sat on her bed, leafing through the books she’d brought home. She just wasn’t interested in reading them. Her mind was elsewhere. Finally, she slammed the books shut and lay down on her back.

 

She glanced at the clock and noticed that it was only 9:00. She felt tired. She sighed and decided that she may as well just go to sleep. It’s not like she had anything else to do. She changed her clothes and tossed the books to the floor.

 

She climbed into her bed and turned out the light. She was in desperate need of sleep. Her mind had been on overload the past few weeks and she needed some relief. Soon she had drifted off.

 

She wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep, but it seemed to be only a matter of seconds, when she was jolted awake by a loud noise. Her eyes sprang open and when they did, she saw the ceiling in front of her. Right in front of her. She was floating.

 

Panic rose in her chest and she reached out to push herself away from ceiling.

 

“What the hell is going on!” She screamed.

 

She managed to get herself flipped over, so now her back was to the ceiling and she was staring down at her bed. Light from the moon, streamed in through her window, casting eerie shadows across her walls. One of the shadows appeared to be moving. She focused on that.

 

The now familiar black mist, snaked its way across her room and traveled up to meet her. It hung, ghostly, in mid air in front of her face. It seemed to be studying her, sizing her up. She batted at it, but her hand merely swatted at empty air.

 

“Put me down.” She said through clenched teeth.

 

All at once, whatever force that had been pinning her to the ceiling released her. She fell onto the bed face first, and bounced off onto the floor. Before she could get up, unseen hands grabbed her shoulders and hurled her into the opposite wall.

 

The wind was knocked out of her and she struggled to get to her feet. As she did, the mist encircled her. It felt like a choke hold and she struggled to breathe once again. With ease, she was tossed across the room once more. This time she crashed into her dresser and the mirror shattered.

 

She got to her feet and stood for a moment facing the broken mirror. In one of the fragments she saw the mist floating behind her broken reflection.

 

“Don’t you see? You’re broken. Not whole. Not here. Shattered.” The ghostly entity whispered to her.

 

She whirled around to face her invisible attacker.

 

“What do you want?” She asked with a shaking voice.

 

“You.” It hissed.

 

Suddenly, it’s grip tightened around her arms and picked her up off her feet. She struggled against it, and she was tossed effortlessly across the room. The sleeve of her nightshirt ripped off her shoulder as she crashed into the wall face first.

 

She slumped to the floor and felt blood trickling from her newly split lip.

 

“Soon…” The voice whispered.

 

She looked up and watched as the mist swirled around like a mini tornado, and disappeared.

 

She sat on the floor and began to cry. She was tired of this. Tired of all of this. Now she wasn’t even safe in her own house. She’d never be safe and never be free. If this thing wanted her so bad, then fine, she thought. He could have her. She was tired of fighting.

 

As she sat there, with tears in her eyes, she heard a noise. At first, she didn’t know what it was and was almost afraid to find out. Then it occurred to her. It was the doorbell, along with someone pounding on her door.

 

She pulled herself up off the floor and went downstairs. She opened the door and saw Spike standing there looking worried.

 

“I’ve been pounding out here for ten minutes.” He said frazzled.

 

She looked at him blankly.

 

“I was a little busy.” She said numbly.

 

“What the hell happened to you? You like crap.” He said taking in her battered appearance.

 

“Thanks. Feel like it too.”

 

“I was worried. I heard a commotion coming from your room. I knocked, but you didn’t answer.” He said softly.

 

“Why didn’t you just break in like you used to?” She asked with a sigh.

 

“Well, I tried. There was some kind of barrier or something. I thought maybe you’d mojo’ed me out of your house again.” He said looking at his feet.

 

She gave him a curious expression and motioned for him to come in. He walked through the door with no problems.

 

“Nope. No mojo.” She said with a sigh.

 

“Where’s Dawn? Is she alright?” He asked curiously.

 

“She’s not here. She’s with Tara.”

 

“Oh. Good.”

 

She was acting strangely and Spike was even more concerned than he was before. She walked over to the couch and he followed her. He sat down next to her and put his hand on her shoulder. She flinched and he drew it away quickly. She looked at him.

 

“Sorry. It’s just a little sore.” She said weakly.

 

Relieved that it wasn’t him she was flinching away from, he gently moved the torn fabric of her shirt aside and saw another gash across her shoulder. He shook his head.

 

“What happened? Was it the same thing?” He asked gently.

 

“Yup. This time in my house.” She said shaking her head. Then she looked at him desperately. “Spike, I can’t do this. I just can’t. I don’t care anymore. Whatever this thing is, it wants me. I can’t stop it.”

 

“Rubbish. Course you can stop it. That’s what you do.” He reassured her.

 

She stood up abruptly and faced him.

 

“No. It’s not what I do. Not any more. I just…I just can’t take it anymore.” She said as she began to cry.

 

He stood up and put his arms around her, trying to keep from hurting her. She buried her face in his chest and sobbed.

 

“I’m tired, Spike. I’m just so tired.” She whispered sadly.

 

“Well, maybe you should just get some sleep.” He offered, knowing that she wasn’t talking about that kind of tired.

 

“The last time I tried that, I woke up plastered to the ceiling.” She said as she pulled away from him and sat down on the couch.

 

He wasn’t sure what she meant, but he sighed and sat down next to her.

 

“Look, you aren’t a quitter. That’s not you. You’re stubborn. You’re a fighter.”

 

“Not this time.”

 

“Come on. Snap out of it. Channel that inner bitch that I’ve gotten to know so well. Stop whining and crying and do something.” He said firmly.

 

She looked at him incredulously. She shook her head.

 

“You really are a complete asshole, you know that? I’m in pain here, and all you can do is tell me to stop whining? Thanks for the pep talk. Now get out!” She said angrily as she stood up.

 

“No. Listen to me. Whatever this is? It wants you to give up.”.

 

“Well, then I guess its work is done, cause I do. I give up.”

 

He stood to face her.

 

“Why? Why would you give up now?”

 

“Because. Why not? All of this is pointless. It keeps telling me that I’m dead. Broken. Shattered. Whatever. It’s right. I am. I may be here, but I’m not real. I’m a shell. I’m empty. Don’t you see? I don’t care. I _can’t_ care, because I can’t even feel anything!” She shouted at him.

 

He looked at her with fire in his eyes. He knew he was probably making a huge mistake, one that was bound to be a painful one, but he had to do it. He hauled back punched her across the face. She was stunned and he clutched his head in pain. She added to his pain, as she punched him back.

 

“Why the hell did you hit me?” She yelled.

 

“Did it make you mad?” He asked with a small smile as he pushed her away from him. She fell onto the couch, but this time his chip didn’t go off. He wasn’t trying to hurt her.

 

“Yes!” She said, as she stood up and hit him again.

 

He hit her back and almost didn’t notice the pain this time. He was too wrapped up in what he was trying to do.

 

She kicked him in the stomach and he doubled over. He looked up at her with a satisfied grin.

 

“For someone who claims she can’t feel anything, you sure as hell look pissed. Last time I checked, that was a feeling.” He told her.

 

She glared at him and hit him again. He smiled and charged at her. He tackled her to the couch and pinned her arms above her head. She struggled half heartedly against him. He looked down at her.

 

“You’re not dead, so stop acting like you are. You wouldn’t let me get away with messing with you, so why should you let this thing get away with it?”

 

She looked up at him and knew that he was right. She couldn’t just curl up into a little ball and play dead. It wasn’t her. She glared at him.

 

“Do you know how much I hate—.”

 

“Me?” He finished for her.

 

She continued her hard look.

 

“Do you know how much I hate… that you’re always right?” She finished.

 

Before he could respond, she was kissing him. He loosened his grip on her arms and she wrapped them around his neck, pulling him deeper into her kiss. Her hands traveled under his shirt and she gripped the edge of it tightly. They broke their kiss only long enough for her to yank his shirt over his head.

 

He smiled at her.

 

“I thought you said that we weren’t doing this anymore?”

 

“Just shut up.” She smirked, as she kissed him again harder.

 

“I mean, you said it was all out of your system.” He prodded her.

 

“Did I ever tell you that I like you less when you’re talking?”

 

“No.”

 

“Well, I do. So shut up.” She grabbed his shoulders and flipped him around. They fell to the floor, with her on top.

 

She pulled her torn nightshirt over her head and threw it aside. She then returned her lips to his. He grabbed her hips and tossed her over onto her back. In the process, they tipped the coffee table over.

 

He ran his hands down between her thighs and caressed her through her panties. She moaned at his touch and he smiled. He pulled her panties off slowly, savoring the look of expectation on her face.

 

He kissed his way down her bare stomach and parted her legs. He snaked his tongue out to taste her sweetness, and felt her gasp with delight. He looked up at her.

 

“You feel that?” He asked.

 

“Oh yeah.” She sighed contentedly.

 

“See? You can feel. I bet you can feel all sorts of things.” He smiled, as he began licking her again.

 

She closed her eyes and pushed all thoughts out of her head. She concentrated only on the feeling. That exquisite feeling of bliss. And right now he was the only one who could make her feel that way.

 

An hour later, they both lay together, tangled on the floor. He’d successfully proved his point yet again. She _could_ feel. She felt quite a lot. And all of it was pretty earth shattering.

 

She lifted her head off his chest and reached over to the sofa. She grabbed a blanket and pulled it over their bodies. She snuggled in closer to him.

 

“We really need to stop doing this.” She sighed.

 

“You just can’t let it go, can you?” He asked.

 

“Nope. I need to protest. It makes me feel better.” She told him.

 

He laughed slightly. Her denials were wearing thin, and they both knew it. There was no stopping this thing between them. It had been brewing for years, and once they had given in, there was no going back. He knew that. And he felt like she was starting to realize that too.

 

He stroked her hair gently and she closed her eyes. It felt nice. It felt familiar and safe. She realized that he felt familiar and safe. It made no sense, but it was true. He looked down at her.

 

“We’ll fight this thing that’s after you.” He felt the need to reassure her.

 

“Yeah. No giving up for me.” She said softly.

 

“That’s right. Nothing is going to mess with my woman and get away with it.” He said firmly.

 

She lifted her head to look at him. She raised her eyebrow.

 

“Your woman? What are you? A caveman?” She asked.

 

“What? You are my woman.” He said defensively.

 

“Just because we’ve had sex a few times, doesn’t make me your woman.” She said pointedly.

 

“Then what are you?”

 

“I’m not your anything.”

 

“Oh please. Will you just give it up already?” He groaned.

 

“Give what up?”

 

“This. This act. Face it. We’re together. A couple. I’m yours and you’re mine.” He told her.

 

“No. This is just…its just…Well, I don’t know what this is. But we aren’t a couple.” She protested.

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Really.”

 

“Did I ever tell you that I like you less when you’re talking?” He smirked at her.

 

She couldn’t help but smile at that.

 

“And you think we’re a couple? We don’t even like each other.” She said pointedly.

 

“We don’t have to like each other.”

 

“Oh, that sounds like the basis for a great relationship.” She said sarcastically.

 

“In fact, I’ve never liked you.” He said with a smirk.

 

“I’ve never liked you either.”

 

“But I do love you.” He added softly.

 

She was ready with a quick comeback, but it was lost to her now. He loved her. It wasn’t like it was a newsflash or anything. But hearing him say it so sincerely, just made everything more real. She couldn’t say anything. He picked up on her discomfort and sighed.

 

“Why don’t we get dressed and start trying to figure out what to do about this ghost problem.” He said, changing the subject.

 

“Yeah. Okay.” She said, sitting up and wrapping the blanket around her. “I’ve got some books upstairs.”

 

They both searched for their clothing, and got dressed. Buffy put on her tattered nightshirt and shook her head.

 

“You know, between you and this ghost, I’m gonna need a whole new wardrobe.” She smiled.

 

He laughed and followed her up the stairs. He was surprised when he saw the condition of her bedroom.

 

“Looks like you had fun in here.” He said wryly.

 

“Yeah. It was definitely the kind of fun that’s not.”

 

She went to her broken dresser and pulled out a tank top and sweatpants. She tossed her ripped nightshirt into the corner and pulled her new clothes on. Spike saw a pile of books lying by the bed and picked them up.

 

“Are these the books?”

 

“Yeah. I don’t even know if they’ll help. But it was all I could find.” She shrugged.

 

“I guess the first thing we need to do, is figure out what this is. Are we thinking ghost? Unholy spirit from the great beyond?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Well, that’s easy. We’ll just do an exorcism.” He said with a shrug.

 

“Right. Let me just pull my exorcism manual out of my pocket.” She said dripping with sarcasm.

 

“What? Do you have a better idea?” He asked defensively.

 

“No. I’m just saying, do I look like a priest? I don’t know how to do an exorcism.”

 

“Well, we’ll learn. How hard can it be? A little holy water, some crosses… On second thought, maybe an exorcism isn’t really a vampire friendly activity.” He said with a frown.

 

“You think?” She rolled her eyes.

 

“Well, we figure something out. Have you told Xander and what’s her name? Maybe they can help?” He asked.

 

“No.” She said quickly. Then she sighed. “I-I mean, I mentioned it to them, but I don’t want to involve them.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because. They have their own stuff going on. The wedding and all that. I don’t want to bother them.” She tried to explain without getting into details of what she overheard.

 

“Well, I’m sure they’d want to help. They always seem so eager to jump into the ring.”

 

“Not anymore. Look, this is my job. And it’s not like this thing is threatening to end the world. It just wants to end me. There’s no sense in bringing anyone else into this.” She tried to rationalize.

 

“Okay. Just thought this was a job for the mighty Scooby gang.” He shrugged.

 

“There is no mighty Scooby gang. Not anymore.” She admitted softly.

 

He looked at her fallen expression and knew there was more behind this than she was telling.

 

“Did something happen? You have a fight with your friends?”

 

“No. I mean, Willow and I…Well, you know about that. And Xander and Anya? Let’s just say, I know they’re sick of this crap. Maybe a little sick of me too.” She admitted.

 

“Sick of you?”

 

She took a deep breath and let it out. She looked at him.

 

“I overheard them talking. They want out, Spike. They don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t blame them. This isn’t their fight. It never was. It’s mine. In the end, it’s always me. Alone. I need to accept that.”

 

He was angry with her friends for abandoning her right when she needed them the most. He just didn’t understand the lot of them.

 

“You aren’t alone. You still have me.” He said sincerely.

 

She laughed bitterly.

 

“I bet you’re feeling really smug about that right now.”

 

“What?”

 

“You were right again. You are the only one I have. Must make you feel pretty good.” She said crossing her arms defiantly.

 

“This isn’t about me feeling smug, or being right.”

 

“Isn’t it?”

 

“No. It’s about me not leaving you. Don’t you get that? Maybe no one else can handle you and your scary little world, but I can. You can try and push me away. You can try and tell yourself you’re meant to be alone. But the truth is, you were meant to be with me. And that scares you even more than being alone, doesn’t it?” He asked pointedly.

 

She looked at him and felt tears welling in her eyes. She didn’t know what to say. She lowered her gaze and stared at her bare feet.

 

“Yes. That scares me.” She admitted softly.

 

He moved over to her and placed one hand on her shoulder and another under her chin. He lifted her face up to look at him.

 

“You think I don’t know how scary this is? You think I wanted to fall in love with you? I mean, what kind of ridiculous vampire falls in love with a Slayer? It’s insane. It’s wrong. But it’s real. You and I aren’t like everyone else. That’s what you need to accept.” He explained softly.

 

“What? I need to accept that I’m not like everybody else? I got that part covered.” She told him.

 

“Well, then start embracing it.” He told her seriously.

 

She stared at him, speechless once more. Finally she decided to just change the subject. Things were getting a little too intense. She shoved a book at him and sighed.

 

“Let’s read.” She said.

 

He took it and sat down on the bed. It was obvious that their conversation was now over. She sat down next to him and opened her book. After perusing the texts for over an hour, finally Buffy looked up and groaned.

 

“I suck at this. I don’t even understand any of this junk.” She said, tossing her book to the ground.

 

“It is a little confusing.” He admitted.

 

“Why can’t there just be a section on annoying, homicidal, black misty things? My eyes are bleeding from looking at all this.”

 

He looked over at the clock. It was after 2:00am. He closed his book.

 

“It’s late. Why don’t you get some sleep?”

 

“Sleep. Sounds tempting.”

 

“Then do it. I don’t think it will come back tonight. I hope.” He added.

 

“Me too.”

 

He stood up and she grabbed his hand.

 

“Are you leaving?” She asked.

 

“You want me to stay?”

 

She looked away from him.

 

“Yeah.” She said softly. She looked up. “I know that if it comes back, there’s not really anything you can do. But I’d feel safer, I guess.” She admitted.

 

He smiled at her and sat back down. He took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. She moved away from him and climbed under her rumpled bed covers. He pulled off his shirt and began to unbutton his pants.

 

“What are you doing?” She asked.

 

“What do you mean? I’m getting ready for bed.” He told her.

 

“Do you have to take _all_ your clothes off?”

 

“Yes. I sleep nude. Is that a problem?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Why? Afraid you won’t get any sleep with my naked manliness next to you?” He asked with a smirk.

 

“Sort of. Just keep your pants on.” She smiled.

 

He sighed.

 

“Fine. But it’s not very comfortable.”

 

“Deal with it.” She told him as she snuggled down under the covers.

 

He climbed in beside her and put his arm around her. He nuzzled his face into her neck and began kissing her ear softly.

 

“Stop. We’re supposed to be sleeping, remember?” She told him.

 

“I know.” He continued to kiss her.

 

“Well, then keep your lips away from me. I’m tired.”

 

He stopped kissing her, and ran his hand over her breasts with a smile. She grabbed his hand and pushed it away.

 

“What? My lips were no where near you.” He grinned.

 

“If you can’t contain yourself, you can sleep on the floor.” She told him.

 

“Fine. Sleep. You’re no fun.” He sighed.

 

“That’s not what you said earlier.” She said with a smirk.

 

He shook his head at her and laughed. Then he rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. She glanced over at him.

 

“Goodnight.” She whispered.

 

“Goodnight Slayer.”

 

She smiled and snuggled closer to him. She felt his arm go around her shoulder and pull her tightly to him. They lay there for a long while, and Buffy tried to fall asleep. She just couldn’t. Her mind was in overdrive, and every time she closed her eyes, she was afraid that when she opened them, she’d be stuck to the ceiling again.

 

Every now and again, she’d glance up at him, just to see if he was asleep. He appeared to be. It was hard to tell. After an hour, she whispered to him.

 

“Spike?” No response. “I can’t sleep.” No response. “Wake up.” Nothing.

 

She sighed and put her head back down on his shoulder. She never dreamed in a million years that she would be here with him. It was unfathomable. But here she was. In his arms. And she was happy. That was the weird part. Spike actually made her happy. It was true that he drove her crazy, and sometimes she wanted to rip his arm off and beat him to death with it. But there were other moments.

 

Moments when she knew he understood her. And not in the way people usually say that they understood, but they really had no idea. He actually got it. He actually got her. Someone else actually understood this mess she called a life. And he wasn’t afraid of what she was and what she had to do. Which was kind of ironic considering she was born to kill him. They were born to kill each other.

 

He always seemed to know what she needed. Most of the time she didn’t even know, but he did. What he said earlier had surprised her and frightened her. Lately, she was thinking that he was the one she was meant to be with. She wasn’t sure what that said about her. Or him for that matter. Discovering a kindred spirit in your mortal enemy was unnerving to say the least.

 

But it happened. She tried to pretend that it was just sex and nothing else. That in itself was bad enough. Somewhere deep down she rationalized that it was better to be just his lover, than it was to actually fall in love with him. It sounded stupid, but she wanted to believe that. She tried to believe that. But she had fallen in love with him anyway and that was terrifying.

 

She looked up at his sleeping face. He looked so peaceful and beautiful. It was almost impossible to think about what he really was, or the things he’d done. She knew that loving him was probably the biggest mistake she’d ever make. But in the end, it hadn’t really been her choice. It hadn’t been a choice at all. No one got to choose who they fell in love with. If they did, Spike and her would never have chosen each other. And then maybe neither one of them would have ever found that person to complete themselves the way they completed each other.

 

She just wasn’t sure she could ever let him know what he meant to her. If she did, she knew her whole world would turn upside down. Not that it wasn’t already on it’s ear, but actually admitting that she loved him, was more than she felt she could deal with. Thinking about her feelings was difficult enough. Actually speaking the words out loud, was unthinkable.

 

She sighed and put her head back down on his chest. He could never know what she felt. She couldn’t allow herself to be vulnerable to him like that. Loving him was frightening and horribly wrong. She tried to tell herself that as long as she never spoke the words, the feelings wouldn’t actually be real.

 

Buffy tried to push all the thoughts out of her head and finally drifted off to sleep. Soon, she began to dream. She found herself walking alone at night. She wasn’t exactly sure where she was until she saw it. She looked over and in the distance was a gravestone. Her gravestone. She walked over to it and stared at the words that had been inscribed in the marble.

 

“It’s weird, huh? Looking at that?” A man asked her as he walked out of the shadows.

 

“Yeah. It is.” She said, not taking her eyes off the stone.

 

“You miss it?” He asked.

 

“Miss what?” She looked at him.

 

“Death.”

 

“It was so peaceful.” She nodded slowly.

 

“That’s what I hear.”

 

She looked at him quizzically.

 

“Who are you?”

 

“A friend.”

 

“Why are you here?” She asked confused.

 

“To help you. He’s coming for you.”

 

“Who is?”

 

“Death.” He said casually.

 

“What are you talking about?” She asked.

 

“You’re on borrowed time, Sweetheart. You know you’re not supposed to be here, right?”

 

“My friends, they brought me back.”

 

“Yeah, I know. Didn’t even give you a choice, did they?” He asked.

 

“No. They didn’t.”

 

“Sometimes it’s good to have a choice.” He shrugged.

 

She looked at him curiously. She wasn’t understanding what any of this meant.

 

“I’m sorry, is there a point to this?” She asked growing impatient.

 

“Yeah, the point is, that thing that’s messing with you? That’s Death.”

 

“You mean like the Grim Reaper? The guy with the black hood and the pointy thing?”

 

“A sickle? That’s just a myth.” He shrugged. “But, he wants you back. He feels a little cheated, so to speak.”

 

“So what do I do? How can I stop him?”

 

“There’s only one way.”

 

She waited for his response, but got nothing.

 

“I don’t suppose you’d like to tell me what that is?”

 

“That’s the thing. I can’t. You need to figure it out on your own.” He told her.

 

“Great. There seems to be a lot of that lately. Let Buffy figure it out for herself. A lot of help you are.” She said irritated.

 

“Well, even if he comes for you, it’s not so bad right? You’ve been there. In fact, you still wish you were there.” He told her.

 

“Sometimes.” She admitted.

 

“Good. Then I guess you don’t need me.”

 

He turned around and started to walk away. She called out to him.

 

“Wait. That’s it? You’re just walking away?”

 

“I told you, if you want to stop him, you need to figure out how. You have to wanna figure out how.”

 

“But I-I don’t know what to do. It’s all so confusing. I’m having a hard enough time being alive again…living…” She trailed off sadly.

 

“But you’re not living. Right now, you’re just stealing time.”

 

“Stealing time?”

 

“The key to this is choices. We all have to make them. Sometimes the choices are simple, sometimes they’re not. Sometimes it’s easier to crawl into your shell and let others make the choices for you. But that’s not the answer.” He told her seriously.

 

“Then what is?”

 

“Look inside and you’ll find it.” He said as he placed his hand over her heart.

 

She stepped back from him and gave him a lost expression.

 

“The answers are all in there. You can’t let fear stop you. If you do, the answers will be lost. And so will you.”

 

Before she could respond to what he had said, he disappeared. With a start, Buffy’s eyes opened abruptly. She looked around and saw Spike asleep beside her. She sighed and scooted back over closer to him.

 

The dream had really shaken her up. It had felt so real and she knew it was trying to tell her something. She just wasn’t sure what yet. Choices, stealing time, the answers were inside of her, in her heart…She squeezed her eyes shut.

 

 _You can’t let fear stop you. If you do, the answers will be lost and so will you…_ Those words plagued her now. She wanted to think that she didn’t know what that meant, but she did. She was hiding and scared. She was afraid to live. She was afraid to love. And by denying herself that, she’d never truly feel alive again. Without love, everyone would be dead inside.

 

She looked up at Spike and touched his face gently. Then she laid her head back down on his chest. It was all so scary. She knew she had this love inside, but she was too terrified to let it out. But keeping it bottled up was excruciating. She felt a tear fall from her eyes and she took a deep breath.

 

“I love you, Spike.” She whispered softly.

 

She knew he wouldn’t hear her, and that was good. She wasn’t ready for him to know that. But just getting the words out, lessened the pain in her heart. She shut her eyes and forced herself back to sleep.

 

With her words, Spike’s eyes sprang open. He stared down at the top of her head. Had she actually said that? Out loud? Maybe he had just been dreaming? No. He was pretty sure he’d actually heard it. Buffy loved him. She had said it. She had said it when she thought he couldn’t hear her. But he had heard her. He couldn’t contain the large grin that played over his face. He pulled her tighter to him and held her as they drifted back to sleep.

 

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

 

The next morning, Spike woke up first. He glanced over at Buffy, who was now curled up on her side next to him. He smiled and kissed the top of her head. He looked at the clock. It was 9:00am. Too late for him to leave, unless he wanted to catch on fire. Which he didn’t.

 

He put his arm around her and rested his head on her shoulder. He could get used to this. Waking up next to the girl he loved. The girl who loved him back. It was all a little surreal to him. He wondered if he should tell her that he had heard her last night. He wanted to hear her say it again. But he also didn’t want to scare her off.

 

He supposed that it was enough for now to know that she loved him. And to know that she had finally admitted it, even if she did think he was unconscious at the time. He smiled and began placing kisses along her face, to try and wake her up.

 

After a minute, he felt her begin to stir. She turned around and looked at him with sleepy eyes. He smiled.

 

“Good morning, Sunshine.”

 

“Ugh. Is it morning already? I feel like I just fell asleep.” She groaned.

 

“It’s after nine.”

 

“Well at least I got a few hours in.” She yawned.

 

“It stayed quiet at least. No ghostly disturbances.” He told her.

 

“Yeah. I had the weirdest dream though.” She said rubbing her eyes.

 

“What about?”

 

“It’s not important, but it seemed pretty real at the time. I’m sure it’s nothing.” She said sleepily.

 

“I had a dream too. It was a good one.” He smiled. _Yeah, I dreamt that you said you loved me, only it wasn’t a dream, it was real…_ That’s what he wanted to say, but he didn’t.

 

“Well, I’m sure your dream was something sexual and disgusting, so I don’t wanna know.” She sighed.

 

“For your information it wasn’t about sex at all. Not entirely anyway.” He added with a suggestive glance.

 

She groaned and rolled her eyes. She sat up and looked at the mess around them.

 

“I guess I should clean this up. God, I hate it when the nasties mess up my house. Why can’t they just keep their evil deeds elsewhere?” She sighed.

 

“I’ll help you clean it up.”

 

“Thanks. But first, I think I need a shower. I feel like I look scary. Do I look scary?” She asked with a small smile.

 

“A little. But I don’t frighten easily.” He smirked.

 

“That’s a good thing.” She got out of bed and almost went to the curtains to open them. She turned around and looked at him. “Guess you don’t really want me to open these, huh?”

 

“Not especially.” He grinned.

 

“I really need to wake up. I’m just gonna take that shower now.” She opened the door and headed down the hallway.

 

He sat in the bed and tried to contemplate what he should do next. She was in the shower. Naked and all wet. It was an image he’d like to see for himself. Maybe she wanted him to follow her? After all, she hadn’t told him to stay here. But knowing her, she’d probably get mad at him. He shrugged. She might be mad, but she still loved him. He smiled at that little revelation. Plus, even if she kicked him out, he’d still have the image of her in the shower to take with him. He grinned and jumped out of bed.

 

He walked down the hallway and heard the water go on in the bathroom. He waited outside for a moment, then pulled his pants off. He opened the door and walked in. He crept over to the shower and opened the curtain. Buffy jumped back and screamed.

 

“Ahh! You scared the crap out of me!” She yelled as she smacked him hard across the chest.

 

He couldn’t help but laugh at her.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“God, haven’t you seen Psycho? You can’t just sneak up on a girl in the shower like that. It’s wrong.” She said shaking her head.

 

“What can I say, Baby? I’m evil.” He smirked.

 

“Well, get your evil ass out of here!”

 

“But I’m feeling a little dirty…” He smirked suggestively.

 

“You are gross. Get out!”

 

“But I need a shower too. I seemed to have worked up a sweat last night.” He smiled.

 

“Vampires don’t sweat.” She pointed out.

 

He sighed.

 

“Can I get in or not?” He asked finally.

 

She gave him a hard look and then she sighed. He looked so enticing just standing there all naked and…well, naked. She relented.

 

“Fine. Get in.”

 

He shot her a satisfied grin and stepped into the shower. He wrapped his arms around her slick body. She felt his hands rubbing over her soapy skin. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the tingling sensation that went through her body at his touch. She sighed contentedly. Why had she let him come in? Now she couldn’t think about anything else but shoving him against the shower wall, and ravaging him until they both screamed.

 

She turned around and kissed him roughly, as the shower pelted down on both of them. He turned her, so that her back was facing the wall and pressed her up against it. He broke free of their kiss and trailed his tongue down the side of her neck. She moaned and felt his hand slide between her legs.

 

She gripped his shoulders tightly and began grinding herself against his hand. He brought a fierce kiss to her lips. He ran his hands over her bottom and lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist tightly and cried out as she felt him slide into her heat.

 

Downstairs, the front door opened and Dawn and Tara walked in. They noticed that in the living room, the couch cushions were messed up and the coffee table was tipped over. They both got a look of concern on their faces.

 

“I wonder what happened here?” Tara asked.

 

“I-I don’t know. I hope Buffy’s okay.”

 

They looked towards the upstairs.

 

“I can hear the shower going. I’m sure she’s fine.” Tara assured Dawn.

 

Just then, they heard a loud crash come from above. They looked at each with worry. They made their way up the stairs.

 

Buffy and Spike had tumbled out of the shower, bringing the shower curtain with them. It turned out that making love in the shower was a little trickier than they had anticipated. At least slipperier. They lay in a pile on the bathroom floor, with the shower curtain tangled around them. Buffy couldn’t suppress her laughter. She knew they must have looked ridiculous. Thank God, no one could see them, she thought.

 

Just then, the bathroom door flew open. Dawn and Tara stood there with a look of concern on their faces.

 

“Buffy, are you al— Oh my god! What are you doing?” Dawn said, registering what it was she was actually seeing.

 

“Dawn!” Buffy said, looking up at her mortified.

 

“Hey Little Bit.” Spike said trying to act natural.

 

Then, Buffy noticed Tara standing behind Dawn with her mouth hanging open.

 

“Tara?” Buffy asked.

 

“Hi. Um, Uh, sorry. W-we heard a crash. And the living room was all messed up. W-we were worried. And we just…Oh god.” Tara stammered, feeling her face flush with embarrassment.

 

“Oh, well, I’m fine.” Buffy said trying to be calm, despite the fact the she was naked, wet and sprawled on the floor with Spike. She tried to cover their bodies with the shower curtain.

 

“That’s good, cause you know we were worried.” Tara said looking away.

 

“That’s great. Can you shut the door now?” Buffy asked, wondering if they were gonna stand there all day gaping at them.

 

“Yeah. Of course. Dawnie, let’s go.” Tara said, ushering Dawn out of the doorway, and slamming the door shut quickly.

 

Buffy scrambled to her feet and shut the shower off. She turned to Spike, who was desperately trying to contain his amusement. He couldn’t stop smiling.

 

“This isn’t funny. This is horrifying. Stop smiling!” She shouted at him.

 

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Did you see the look on Tara’s face? I wonder if she’s ever seen a naked man before? You know, since she is a lesbian and all that.” He wondered aloud.

 

“Shut up.”

 

Buffy grabbed her robe and glared at him.

 

“Put something on.” She told him.

 

“Like what? The shower curtain? My pants are in the hallway.” He told her.

 

“Fine. I’ll go get them. Whatever you do, don’t come out. You’ve already corrupted my baby sister and my lesbian friend.” She told him as she shook her head.

 

“I corrupted them? What about you? You were naked too. I have a hunch Tara wasn’t looking at me.” He smirked.

 

“Oh god. Shut up before I’m forced to kill you.”

 

She opened the bathroom door and peeked her head out. No one was there. She looked down and saw his pants lying by the door. She grabbed them and closed the door again. She tossed his pants at him.

 

“I don’t see why you’re mad at me.” He told her.

 

“Because. This was your bright idea. You came in here all Norman Bates. I just wanted to take a shower.”

 

“You were the one who wanted to shag. I recall it was you who started that.” He pointed out.

 

“Oh, and you came in here all naked because you didn’t want to shag?” She said, putting her hands on her hips.

 

“Oh no, I wanted to.” He said moving closer to her. “I still do.” He said, as he pulled her into his arms.

 

“You’re crazy. Tara and my sister are in the house. Probably downstairs waiting for us.”

 

“So?” He said as he kissed her shoulder.

 

“Do you ever think about anything else?” She asked, as she began to succumb to his charms.

 

“No.” He kissed her passionately and they slumped down onto the ground together, to successfully finish what they had started.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

 

 

Tara and Dawn sat downstairs on the couch uncomfortably. They had straightened things up and neither one knew what to say now.

 

“Maybe I should go?” Tara offered.

 

“No! Please, don’t leave me here alone.” Dawn pleaded.

 

“Right. Okay.” Tara nodded her head.

 

More uncomfortable silence followed. Finally Tara looked at Dawn.

 

“Is there anything you wanna talk about Dawnie? I-I mean, you know. About stuff?” Tara asked awkwardly.

 

“You mean about Buffy and Spike boinking in our shower? No. I really don’t want to talk about that.” Dawn said shaking her head vigorously.

 

“Well, it was a little shocking. But if you have questions or anything…”

 

“Tara, I’m fifteen. I know about the birds and bees. I just didn’t really expect to see it up close like that. In my shower. But really, I don’t need “The Talk” or anything.” Dawn said uncomfortably.

 

“Good. Cause, I wasn’t really prepared for that.” Tara said quickly.

 

Finally, Buffy walked down the stairs, completely dressed, with her wet hair in a pony tail. She had made Spike stay upstairs. It was awkward enough, and she was afraid his presence would just make it worse.

 

“Hey.” She said feeling her face turn red.

 

Dawn and Tara looked up at her.

 

“I’m really sorry that you guys, you know, had to see that. I-I didn’t know you were home yet.” Buffy tried to explain.

 

“Obviously.” Dawn muttered under her breath.

 

Tara looked at both of them and stood up.

 

“This isn’t really my business. I should go home now.”

 

“No. Don’t go.” Dawn implored her.

 

Tara looked lost. She didn’t know what to do. She had never felt so awkward in all her life.

 

“Maybe I should talk to Dawn alone.” Buffy said.

 

“Okay.” Tara, headed towards the door quickly.

 

Dawn crossed her arms and refused to look at Buffy. Buffy walked over to her and sat down.

 

“Look, I’m sorry.” Buffy tried to apologize.

 

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not like I’m mad or anything.” Dawn told her.

 

“You’re not?”

 

“No. More like mortified, but not mad. It’s just, since when do you and Spike, you know, do that sort of thing?” Dawn asked awkwardly.

 

Buffy sighed and looked away from her.

 

“Not long.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dawn asked.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You know I like him, right? I mean, I’m kinda the only one. Although, I guess you kind of like him too, or you wouldn’t have been in the shower with him.” Dawn added with the roll of her eyes.

 

“Yeah, I kind of like him.” Buffy smiled.

 

“You realize that I can never take a shower in there again, don’t you?” Dawn said raising her eyebrow.

 

“What are you getting at?” Buffy asked.

 

“Well, since Willow and Tara moved out, mom’s big old room is kind of empty. It has it’s own bathroom.” Dawn pointed out innocently.

 

“Are you trying to get me to give you the master bedroom?”

 

“I think I deserve it, after you scarred my virgin eyes for life.” Dawn said folding her arms defiantly.

 

Buffy sighed.

 

“Okay. You can have the big room. Anything else?”

 

“I’m sure I’ll think of something later.” Dawn smiled.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

 

The next evening, Buffy headed to the Magic Box to get some training in. She was still feeling a little tense about everything that had been happening. Not to mention, she still had trouble even looking at Dawn. And she kind of got the feeling, Tara would never come over again after what had happened.

 

She opened up the front door to the shop and walked in. She stopped when she saw Willow sitting at the table with Xander and Anya. It was a sight she hadn’t seen in weeks. They all looked up at her when they heard the door.

 

“Buffy.” Willow said with a small smile.

 

“Willow. What are you doing here?” She asked, not sure how she felt about seeing her again.

 

“We were just talking. I-I feel really bad about the way things were left between us.” She told her.

 

“Me too.”

 

Buffy walked over to the table.

 

“I-I know I did some really stupid things.” Willow said softly.

 

“Yeah. You did.” Buffy folded her arms across her chest protectively.

 

“I don’t want us to fight, Buffy. I miss you. I missed all of you guys. That’s why I’m here. I wanna start over.” Willow implored her.

 

“Uh-huh. Start over? So does that mean you aren’t gonna hocus pocus everything anymore?” She asked.

 

“I’ve been thinking, and you guys were right. I was going a little nutty with the spells. But I’m okay. I understand that magic is good, but only in smaller doses.” Willow tried to explain.

 

“Yeah, Will says that she’s not gonna do any more magic unless it’ll really help us out.” Xander offered, trying to be supportive of Willow.

 

“I’m more concerned with the types of spells you did. Not just the freaky amount. Truthfully, if you want to snap your fingers and prepare a five course meal for everyone, that’s cool. But making people forget things, amnesia, resurrections? That wigs me out.” Buffy told her seriously.

 

“I know. It was wrong. All of it. I’m sorry. I just wanted things to be good and happy for everyone.” Willow told her.

 

“You thought making me forget who I was would make everyone happy?”

 

“It wasn’t supposed to turn out like that. And yes, I thought that if you could forget about being…well, being where you were, that you would be happier.” Willow said softly.

 

“Don’t you mean that you wanted me to forget so that you could be happier?” Buffy shot back at her bitterly.

 

“Buffy, no.”

 

“Isn’t that why you brought me back here in the first place? To make yourself feel better?” Buffy’s emotions were starting to boil over.

 

“No.”

 

“Maybe you just did it because you wanted to see if you could?” Buffy snapped.

 

Xander stood up and faced them both.

 

“Stop it. Stop fighting. Come on. We’re all friends here. Buffy? Will’s trying to make with the nice. Give her a chance.” He pleaded, trying to be the referee.

 

Buffy turned to him sharply.

 

“Give her a chance? I have given her a chance. I have kept my mouth shut about all of this. I’ve pretended for months that I’m not mad. But guess what Xander? I am. I’m mad.” She said angrily.

 

“Buffy, I know you’re hurting. I know we caused you this pain. But we didn’t know. We thought we were saving you.” Xander said, trying to keep hold of his emotions.

 

“I know that’s what you guys keep saying, but is that the real reason?” She asked.

 

“Of course. We thought you were in Hell. Why else would we have done this?” Xander asked.

 

“Maybe because you were tired of doing my job? You don’t want to fight the evil nasties anymore, so why not just bring Buffy back so she can take care of everything.”

 

“That’s not true.” Xander shook his head.

 

“Come on Xander. I heard you the other day. You and Anya want out. Which is fine. I don’t blame you. Hell, I want out too. But I don’t get that choice.”

 

“Okay fine. Yeah, I’m a little tired of this. But we all are. It doesn’t mean I want out. And I’m sorry for what we did to you. It sucks. I can tell you I’m sorry a million times, but I can’t change what’s already been done. If you want me to say that I wish you were still dead, I can’t. It may be selfish, but I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re alive. I want you to be alive because I love you.” Xander told her sincerely.

 

Buffy looked at him and felt tears welling in her eyes. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. All of the anger and sadness that she’d been keeping inside all of these months, finally came to the surface.

 

“Xander…It’s just…so hard.” She said softly.

 

“I know.” He said quietly.

 

“Buffy? Can you ever forgive me?” Willow asked with tears in her eyes.

 

“I want to.” She said softly.

 

“Please? I am so sorry. I-I just want us to be friends again like we were before.” Willow pleaded.

 

Buffy turned to her and gave her a small smile.

 

“I know. Me too. And I don’t wanna carry this anger anymore. Or this pain. I just want my life back.” Buffy said softly.

 

Then it was as if a light went on in her head. She wanted her life back. It was all about choices, she remembered. She had been brought back to this world against her will. She hadn’t gotten a choice. But now she had one. She could let Death take her, or she could choose to live. That was the answer. She could only defeat Death by choosing life. She smiled at her friends.

 

Willow went over and hugged her tightly. Xander couldn’t help himself and wrapped his arms around both of them. Anya had been silent the entire time, figuring it was more between the three of them, than her. She sighed and went over to join their hug. She felt like she should do something.

 

After a minute, Buffy spoke up.

 

“Okay, lovin’ the Oscar worthy dramatic moment here, but you guys are squishing me. I need to breathe.” She said with a smile.

 

They all backed off and smiled.

 

“So? Are we good now? No badness anymore?” Willow asked.

 

“It’s not like things are magically better…”

 

“They could be. I bet there’s a spell for that.” Willow said with a sly smile.

 

“Don’t even go there, Will.” Buffy gave her a disapproving glance.

 

“Relax. I was just kidding. No more well-meaning spells, unless it’s a five course meal prepared just for you.” She smiled.

 

“Good. Then, we’ll get through this.” Buffy smiled.

 

“We’ll always be friends, Buff. Nothing can ever change that.” Xander assured her.

 

Buffy smiled and then she looked at Xander seriously. As long as the truth was coming out, she may as well just get everything out in the open. She had no idea what was going on with Spike, but she also knew that she didn’t want to have to hide the fact that _something_ was going on. Plus, she knew that it was bound to come out eventually. Especially if Tara ever came by with any stories to tell.

 

“So we’re friends forever? And _nothing_ can change that?” She asked cautiously.

 

“Nothing.” He smiled.

 

“Not even if I were to make questionable choices that maybe you didn’t like?” She asked, cautiously.

 

“Like what kind of choices?”

 

“I don’t know, like when I make… bad boyfriend choices?” She asked softly.

 

“The only person I’ve really had a problem with is Angel. That’s ancient history. I’m way over that.” He reassured her.

 

“No. Not Angel. Although you never did stop giving me a hard time about that.” She added.

 

“Well then, what are we talking about?” He asked perplexed. Then a look of fright came over his face. “Oh no. You don’t mean…No. You can’t mean _that_.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh God no. T-that thing…with Spike?” He gulped.

 

“Sort of.”

 

He took a deep breath and let it out.

 

“Well, I’m fine with that. In fact, I’d completely blocked that bit of information out of my mind altogether.” He said trying to be stoic.

 

“Wait a minute. You and Spike have a thing?” Willow asked, completely clueless.

 

“They _had_ a thing. It was a one time mistake.” Xander said firmly.

 

“Oh… Really?” Willow asked completely surprised.

 

“Actually, it sort of happened again.” Buffy admitted.

 

“What?” Xander exclaimed horrified.

 

“What?” Willow chimed in.

 

“But no! One time mistake. Never happen again. Remember? You said that! You swore!” Xander protested.

 

“It was supposed to be just that one time—.”

 

“Actually it was four times.” Anya offered with a smile. For some reason she just couldn’t get over that.

 

“Four times?” Willow asked.

 

Buffy ignored the comments and sighed.

 

“Look, It wasn’t supposed to happen again, but then it just sorta did.” She shrugged.

 

Xander looked at her and tried to hold his tongue. He was not happy at all. And he was more than a little worried that Buffy had made a huge mistake. But he remained as calm as he could.

 

“Okay. It’s alright, Buff. People make mistakes. Sometimes repeatedly. Nothing a garlic chastity belt won’t fix.” He said with a nervous giggle.

 

“Garlic chastity belt? Okay, I’m not gonna even bother visualizing that.” She shook her head.

 

“It’s okay. I mean, I can see that Spike’s got a certain evil charm, that maybe a woman such as yourself would find intriguing and irresistible. It’s not like it meant anything, right?” He asked hopefully.

 

“Well…”

 

“Oh no. Please don’t tell me you actually have feelings for him.” Xander pleaded desperately.

 

“Okay. I won’t tell you then.”

 

“Oh, sweet, merciful God…This is so much worse than I thought. You love him?” Xander whined.

 

“Hey, I never said anything about love. It’s just…well, I don’t know what it is, but it’s not going away. I tried to stay away from him, but it didn’t take.” Buffy explained, not being completely truthful with Xander or herself.

 

“Buffy, are you sure that this is a good idea?” Willow asked.

 

“No. I’m pretty sure it’s a terrible one. But It’s not like I planned this. And I’m sure it’s nothing, and I’ll be back to my senses in no time. But for now…” She tried to explain.

 

“I just don’t understand. How did this happen?” Xander shook his head.

 

“It’s sort of a long story—.”

 

“Well, I for one don’t want to hear it.” Xander said rubbing his eyes to push the bad thoughts away.

 

“You’re the one who asked.”

 

“It wasn’t really a question. It was more like a declaration of despair.”

 

“Oh. Okay.” Buffy shifted uncomfortably.

 

Everyone grew silent, trying to absorb this new piece of information. Buffy knew that her friends would never understand this. But that was okay. She didn’t understand it either. She was just relieved to have everything out in the open finally. A lot of burdens had been lifted from her shoulders tonight. It felt liberating.

 

“So…You and the bleached wonder?” Xander finally managed to speak.

 

“Yeah. You’re gonna be okay with that, right?” She asked.

 

He took a deep breath and forced a smile.

 

“Yeah. I’m cool. In fact, I couldn’t be happier for you.” He said, through clenched teeth.

 

“Really?” She asked skeptically as she raised her eyebrow.

 

“No. Not really, but as a true friend who loves you, I shall lie to spare your feelings.” He smiled.

 

“Well, you’re not a very good liar, but you get points for effort.” She smiled.

 

“Okay then. So, why don’t we talk about something else? Anything else. Please. I beg of you.” Xander pleaded.

 

“Okay. Like what?” Buffy asked.

 

“I know. How about that ghosty thing that’s been bugging you? Heard from it lately?” Xander asked.

 

“Actually, yeah.”

 

“What ghosty thing?” Willow asked.

 

“It’s no big.” Buffy shrugged.

 

“But you were all freaked out the other night.” Xander told her.

 

“I know, but I think I know what it is now and how to get rid of it.” She said confidently.

 

“You do? What is it?” Xander asked.

 

“It’s Death.”

 

“What? Death? Huh?” Xander asked.

 

“Yeah, I guess he’s kind of pissed that I’m still alive.”

 

“Death? Okay, I’m feeling totally out of the loop here. Can someone give me a summary?” Willow asked.

 

“Guys, it’s okay. It sounds way freakier than it really is. I can handle it.” She told them.

 

“But, how? I mean, are we talking about the guy with the Scream mask and the big ol’ honkin machete thing?” Xander asked.

 

“Apparently that’s just a myth.” Buffy shrugged.

 

“But what are we gonna do? I mean, Death is sorta already dead, so how can we fight this?” Willow asked.

 

“ _We_ can’t. I can. This is my battle. He’s coming for me and I need to face this alone.” She told her.

 

“But, this sounds really bad, Buff. I mean, Death? This is like something out of a really cheesy horror movie.” Xander said.

 

“I know. But apparently my life is one big cheesy horror movie.” She sighed.

 

“Well, if you need anything…” Willow offered.

 

“Thanks. But I need to take care of this one on my own.” Buffy told them.

 

They all nodded silently. No one wanted to voice how terrified they all were of losing her again.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

 

The next night, Buffy and Spike went patrolling together. She was feeling a little uneasy around him. She knew it was because she had told her friends about them. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, but now she was feeling overwhelmed by a sense of panic. The fact that everyone knew now, just seemed to hit her. The magnitude of that revelation made her nervous. This wasn’t just some dirty little secret anymore. It was real. That wigged her out immensely.

 

She had tried to keep her distance from him tonight. She intended to keep everything strictly business. She just focused on finding something to slay. Which they had done successfully. After taking out a small group of vampires, they both brushed themselves off and tried to regroup. Without something else to focus on, Buffy felt herself getting nervous again. She tried to make small talk.

 

“Ouch. That big vamp sure did pack a hell of a punch.” Buffy said rubbing her shoulder.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

He looked at her longingly. He always loved watching her fight. It was a huge turn on. He smiled and grabbed her into his arms. He leaned in to kiss her but she stopped him.

 

“What are you doing?” She asked.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“This isn’t the time for smooching. We’ve got work to do. Things to kill.” She protested.

 

“Come on. It’s just a kiss.”

 

“It’s never just a kiss with you. Besides, I see that look on your face.” She told him.

 

“What look?” He asked innocently, as he gave her his best smoldering glance.

 

“That look! You look like you’re undressing me with your eyes.”

 

“I am. But it’s more fun to actually undress you.” He purred as he moved in again.

 

She pushed him back.

 

“You know what? Stop. I mean, is this all you can think about?” She asked.

 

“We went over this already. Yes, when I’m with you, this is all I can think about.” He admitted.

 

She looked at him unhappily. Then she shook her head.

 

“Is that all you want from me?”

 

“What?” He asked incredulously.

 

“I’m just saying, it seems like that’s all you want.” She said putting her hands on her hips.

 

He shook his head.

 

“Isn’t that all you want?” He asked.

 

She looked at him, shocked and hurt.

 

“Don’t give me that shocked expression. You’re the one who keeps telling me that we aren’t a couple. This is just sex and it means nothing to you.” He told her.

 

“You’re right. It does mean nothing.” She told him.

 

“Right. So then what’s the problem? Let’s just skip the small talk and get right to the good stuff.”

 

“You’re sick. This is a game to you, isn’t it? This is all just some twisted, sick game.”

 

He was getting irritated now. She was so exasperating he was ready to rip her head off. But he couldn’t. Maybe he’d just rip his own head off so he wouldn’t have to listen to her anymore.

 

“You are the one playing games. You’re the one who can’t admit how you really feel. You know that I love you. And I know that you love me. Why don’t you just say it and stop trying to piss me off, just so you can play the wounded party.” He told her heatedly.

 

“First off, I don’t love you—.”

 

“Stop lying.”

 

“I’m not lying! I don’t.”

 

“Come off of it, Buffy. I heard you say it. I heard you say that you loved me. So just cut the crap.” He told her angrily.

 

She felt herself become flustered and nervous. Was it true? Had he actually heard her the other night? She never meant for him to actually hear her. She wasn’t ready for him to hear her. She switched into her denial mode once more.

 

“I don’t know what you thought you heard—.”

 

“I heard you say you loved me. You thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t. I heard you.”

 

“I was probably talking in my sleep. And I was dreaming about somebody else.” She lied.

 

“Right. Somebody else named Spike?”

 

She’d forgotten that she had actually said his name. This wasn’t going to be easy to get out of. She threw her hands up.

 

“Fine! Okay. I said it. I had just had a really freaky dream and I was half asleep. I didn’t know what I was saying. My mind was all fuzzy…” She said, running out of protestations.

 

“And you what? Accidentally told the truth for once in your life?” He asked bitterly.

 

“Ahh! Just shut up! I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” She shouted completely frustrated.

 

“You never want to talk. You just wanna fuck away your problems.” He said nastily.

 

Instantly, she hauled back and punched him as hard as she could. He reeled back and smashed into a gravestone.

 

“I hate you! I can’t believe I even considered the possibility that I had some sort of feelings for you!”

 

He rubbed his jaw and looked at her despairingly. He’d really put his foot in his mouth this time. She had trouble speaking the truth, and he had trouble shutting up about it.

 

“So you admit that you do have feelings?” He asked, trying to salvage something.

 

“Not anymore. Whatever this was? It’s done. Chalk it up to temporary brain damage.” She said as she turned around to walk away.

 

He called out after her.

 

“Let’s see how long it lasts this time! You know you can’t stay away!”

 

She turned and glared at him.

 

“Yes I can. I mean it this time.” She said quickly, as she turned again.

 

She needed to get out of there before he could see her start crying. She could never let him know how much he’d just hurt her. His words had been harsh and cold. And worse yet, they were hundred percent true. She’d deliberately started this argument. She wanted to fight with him. She wanted to be angry with him.

 

He had accused her before of trying to make him angry so he’d give up and stop loving her. But the real truth was, she was hoping one day he’d get so angry that he’d do or say something so horrible, that _she_ could stop loving _him_. But it hadn’t worked. She still loved him. And now, unless she was prepared to admit that, the only thing she had succeeded in doing was hurting both of them.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

 

Buffy walked into her house and slammed the door behind her. She was emotionally exhausted. All she wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and cry. Cry and forget about everything. Right now, one of Willow’s amazing memory loss spells wasn’t looking too bad. She sighed and headed up the stairs.

 

Dawn peeked her head out of her room when she heard Buffy coming up the stairs.

 

“Hey Buffy.”

 

“Hey.” Buffy said sadly.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing. I just had a sucky night. I’ll be fine.” She forced a smile.

 

“You wanna talk about it?” Dawn asked hopefully.

 

“Not really. I’m just gonna go to bed.” Buffy said forlornly.

 

“Okay. But you might feel better if you talk about it. Mom always said that talking about—.”

 

“Enough! Why does everyone always want to talk about everything? Can’t a girl just be quiet and keep to herself?” Buffy snapped.

 

Dawn looked at her with a crushed expression. She pushed back tears.

 

“I-I’m sorry. I just thought…” Dawn said sadly.

 

Buffy looked at Dawn and felt horrible. She sighed.

 

“I’m sorry Dawnie. Really. I didn’t mean to turn all bitch on you. It’s late and I’m really tired.” She tried to explain.

 

“Well you don’t have to take it out on me. I was just trying to be nice. It’s not like I actually want to hear your problems.” Dawn said angrily.

 

“I’m sorry. I know I’ve been really moody lately. I just have some stuff to work out. And I don’t want to bug you with my problems, that’s all.”

 

“Fine.” Dawn crossed her arms.

 

“Don’t be mad, okay?”

 

Dawn’s hard look softened. She sighed.

 

“I’m not mad. Just get some rest.” Dawn sighed.

 

“Okay.”

 

Dawn walked back into her room and shut the door. Buffy made her way into her room and threw her jacket off. She sat down on the bed and took off her shoes. She laid down and stared at the ceiling.

 

Everything was a mess. She thought she was making progress. She thought that she was finally finding some kind of happiness. But with one sweeping wave of denial and one last ditch effort to shield her heart, she’d completely thrown it all away.

 

She rolled over and hugged her pillow tightly to her chest. As she lay there lost in thought, she didn’t notice that her room had grown colder. Suddenly, she felt a jolt go through her body. She sprang up and looked around.

 

The familiar black mist materialized in front of her. She had almost forgotten that she was supposed to die soon. Death was on her heels and apparently he was coming for her again tonight.

 

“So, you’re back.” She said into air.

 

“You’re ready.” It whispered back to her.

 

She sprang up from her bed and stood to confront her invisible foe.

 

“I know how to stop you.” She said confidently.

 

Suddenly, she was thrown back. She smashed into her window, shattering the glass everywhere.

 

“You know nothing!” The voice hissed at her.

 

Just then, her bedroom door flew open and Dawn stood there frightened.

 

“Buffy! Are you okay? What happened?”

 

“Dawn, get out of here! Now!”

 

The black mist swirled around and headed for Dawn.

 

“What is that?” Dawn asked nervously.

 

“Dawn, just leave. Get out of the house!” She shouted.

 

Buffy made an attempt to approach Dawn, but was tossed back into the wall. Dawn screamed, but remained rooted in the spot where she stood.

 

“Dawn go!”

 

“Where am I gonna go?”

 

“Just get out. It’s not safe here.”

 

Dawn finally turned around and ran. She headed down the stairs to the front door. She tried to open it, but it was stuck. A barrier of some type was holding it shut. She cried out.

 

“Buffy! I can’t get out!”

 

Buffy heard her sister’s cries and she turned to face the mist.

 

“Let her go. You don’t want her. You want me. Leave her out of this.” She said angrily.

 

“Very well. It is not her time.” The voice whispered.

 

The barrier was lifted and Dawn managed to get the door open.

 

“Run Dawnie!” Buffy shouted.

 

Dawn ran down the street and headed for the only safe place she knew. Spike.

 

Buffy stood ready for battle.

 

“So, you’re Death, huh? Not what I expected.” She told him.

 

“We’ve met before.”

 

“Yeah, I guess we have.” She said dryly.

 

A wave of energy emitted from the mist and shot towards Buffy. She jumped out of the way and landed in a heap on the floor.

 

“You think you scare me?” She asked as she tried to catch her breath.

 

“No. I do not scare you. That’s why I am here. To take you back where you belong.” The voice bellowed.

 

“I _am_ where I belong. I want to live. I don’t want to die.” She said as she stood to her feet.

 

The mist swirled around her and began to choke her once more. She was lifted off the ground and held suspended in midair.

 

“You think it’s that easy? You say you want to live and I disappear?” It hissed.

 

Buffy couldn’t respond because of the choke hold the entity had on her.

 

“You may say it, but you do not mean it. You have rejected everything. You exist in fear. You shun life and all that makes you living. You are already dead.”

 

With that, Buffy was released and came crashing to the ground. She gasped for air and clutched at her neck.

 

“I am not dead.” She gasped.

 

“You are. Until you can accept life you will always be dead.”

 

“I do. I accept it. I told you. I want to live.” She said, as she managed to get to her feet once more.

 

“You want to live in this cold, hard world? I am offering you peace once more. The peace you’ve been denied.”

 

She felt as the mist traveled up her arm and along the side of her face. It was soft, like a gentle caress. It was comforting. The comforting feeling of death. She closed her eyes and let the feeling wash over her.

 

“You are succumbing. That’s good. Soon it will be the way it was meant to be.” The voice whispered into her ear.

 

Her eyes snapped open and she stepped back.

 

“No. I don’t want this.”

 

“You crave this. You’ve nothing to live for but pain and agony.”

 

“I have more than that. I’ve got a lot more than that. I’ve got a sister who needs me. Other people need me. I can’t just leave them again. I won’t.” She said seriously.

 

“But your heart is empty. You speak of need but not of love. You have forgotten how to love.” It taunted her.

 

“No. I’m full of love.” She said sadly. She remembered her earlier fears that she had become too hardened to love at all. Her spirit guide had told her she was full of love. _Love, give, forgive. Risk the pain…_

 

“You reject love. Time and time again you reject it. Nothing has changed.”

 

She looked at the mist with tear filled eyes. She did reject it. And not just the love she felt for Spike, but everyone else. She said the words to Dawn and her friends, but they were only words. She had closed herself off from everyone. Somewhere deep down, she feared that love made her vulnerable. To love, meant to show weakness. Love meant pain.

 

Her spirit guide had told her to risk that pain. She hadn’t followed through with it. She still shut herself off. Now more than ever. She let her friends betrayal and her pain over her return to this world cloud her feelings. She had let bitterness and resentment overcome her. She couldn’t move on unless she forgave her friends for what they had done.

 

They had asked for her forgiveness and yet she had still backed off. It was time to forgive. She needed to forgive. She stared at the entity before her.

 

“I forgive them. I know they never meant to hurt me. My friends need me and they love me. And I love them. I’m not angry with them any more.” She said with renewed confidence.

 

The mist caressed her face once again, but she didn’t allow it to seduce her.

 

“You have not forgiven yourself.” It whispered.

 

“Forgiven myself for what?”

 

“For your weakness.”

 

“My weakness?”

 

“I can read your thoughts. You view love as a weakness. You refuse to embrace it because you do not want to become vulnerable. You continue to deny the love in your heart and that makes you truly dead. You choose to let fear consume you. But none of that matters anymore. I am offering you serenity. A place where there is no fear or weakness. There are no choices. Only peace.”

 

Buffy absorbed the words and felt the cold, hard truth behind them. But she didn’t believe them anymore. She was done with that. Her ultimate weakness hadn’t been the refusal to make a choice, but the refusal to make the right ones. The painful choices. She had thought that choosing to die for her sister, was the most painful choice she ever had to make. But in the end, it was the easiest. Choosing peace and safety was easy. Choosing to live an accept the pain and heartache that life threw at you, that was hard. But ultimately it was worth it.

 

She tossed her head back confidently and put her hands on her hips.

 

“First of all, love doesn’t make me weak. It makes me a person. It makes me alive. And second, that whole eternal peace thing? I’m over it. Sure it was nice and comfy and safe. But you know what? It was a little boring. And maybe life _is_ scary, but it’s also exhilarating. You know, it’s kinda like skydiving or something. You do it. It scares the crap out of you and it might make you puke. But it was probably the most fun you’ll ever have. If you’re too afraid to jump out of the plane, you might be safer, but you’ll miss out on all the fun.”

 

The mist hung in the air before her, silently. Finally it expanded and grew in size. It swirled around angrily and a wind came out of nowhere.

 

“This is your choice? You are giving up serenity to live and suffer in torment?” It bellowed.

 

She rolled her eyes.

 

“Dramatic much? It’s not that bad.”

 

“Life _is_ torment. Life is pain and—.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Life sucks. I’ll wear a helmet. Are we done now?” She asked sarcastically.

 

“But death was your gift.”

 

She smiled and shook her head.

 

“Yeah? Good thing I saved my receipt.” She said wryly.

 

The blackness twisted and snaked around her. She stood there with a bored expression.

 

“You can go now.” She said.

 

“We will meet again.” It told her.

 

“Yeah, I know. But I’ve got a little more life in me yet. See you in fifty years?”

 

The mist whirled around and compacted itself into a ball. Then with a burst of light, it disappeared. Buffy stared at the spot for a moment, then shook her head. She took a deep breath and let it out.

 

“Well, that was interesting.” She muttered to herself.

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

 

Dawn had run to Spike’s place and came crashing through the door.

 

“Spike!”

 

He jumped up from where he was sitting and faced Dawn.

 

“What? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” He asked with concern.

 

“It’s Buffy. There’s something at the house. It’s attacking her.” Dawn said with tears in her eyes.

 

Spike felt a pang of worry come over him, but he tried to push it aside.

 

“Black misty thing?” He asked.

 

“Yes. You’ve seen it?”

 

“No. But whatever it is, it’s been giving your sister a hard time lately.”

 

“Well, you have to help her.” Dawn pleaded.

 

He sighed.

 

“I don’t think she wants my help.”

 

“So? Since when has that ever stopped you?” She asked.

 

“Good point. Let’s go.” He sighed. He took her by the arm and led her out.

 

He wanted to just say ‘Screw it!’ and let her fend for herself. He wanted her to see what it would be like if she needed him and he wasn’t there for once. But he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it. He had to be there for her even if she hated him for it.

 

Dawn turned to Spike as they walked quickly.

 

“Why wouldn’t Buffy want you to help her? Is this cause she’s all macho or something?” She asked curiously.

 

“No. She sort of hates me again.”

 

“What? Why? I thought you guys were all…Well, you know, shower buddies?” Dawn said uncomfortably.

 

“We were. It’s complicated, Sweet Bit.” He sighed.

 

“You guys have a fight?”

 

“Sort of. I said something really stupid and now she says she doesn’t want to see me again.”

 

“You still love her, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And she must love you. I mean, people don’t take showers together unless they’re in love, right?” Dawn asked.

 

He smiled at her. Sometimes he forgot how young and naive she could be.

 

“You would think so, wouldn’t you?”

 

She shrugged and looked away. They were approaching her house and quickened the pace. They ran up the walkway, and threw open the front door. Buffy was coming down the stairs.

 

“Buffy! You’re okay! Is that thing gone? Did you kill it?” Dawn asked, as she went to hug Buffy.

 

“I’m okay. It’s gone. It’s not gonna come back.” She assured Dawn.

 

Then she looked over at Spike who remained expressionless. He was relieved that she was okay, but he didn’t want to show it.

 

“So, you figured out how to get rid of it?” He asked.

 

“Yeah. Once I made the choice, it wasn’t as hard as I thought.” She said softly.

 

“What was it?” Dawn asked curiously.

 

“It was nothing. Just a nasty. No big.”

 

“Well, glad to see you’re okay. I’ll be going.” Spike said turning for the door again.

 

“Wait. Don’t go. We need to talk.” She said walking over towards him.

 

He stopped and looked at her.

 

“You want to talk? That’s a first.” He said sarcastically.

 

Buffy looked at Dawn.

 

“It’s kind of late. Maybe you should try and get some sleep?”

 

“Yeah. I get it. You guys need to be alone.” Dawn sighed.

 

“Yeah.” Buffy said with a small smile.

 

“Fine. But if I hear the shower go on, I’m leaving.” Dawn said raising her eyebrow.

 

Buffy looked down at her feet and blushed. She was still completely embarrassed by that.

 

“I’ll see you in the morning.” Buffy said rolling her eyes.

 

Dawn turned and headed up the stairs. Buffy turned to Spike. He stood there waiting for her to say something.

 

“So. Here we are.” She shifted nervously.

 

“Yeah. So, what did you want to talk about? You wanna tell me to get outta town? Leave you alone? Yell at me for coming over here tonight? Blame me for something else that’s wrong with your life?” He asked defensively.

 

“No. That’s not it.” She sighed.

 

“Then what? I was watching a really good movie on the telly. I’d like to get back to it sometime tonight. So can we hurry this up?” He asked.

 

“Stop being an ass and sit down.” She pointed to the couch.

 

He rolled his eyes and sat down. He was determined to remain aloof. She had yanked his chain one too many times and he was tired of it. He knew he’d hurt her feelings before, but she had hurt his too many times to count.

 

“We need to talk. About us.” She said anxiously.

 

He looked at her and crossed his arms.

 

“Maybe I don’t feel like talkin’ anymore.” He said deliberately trying to be a pain in the ass.

 

She groaned loudly and tossed her head back.

 

“Will you stop? Give me a break here.”

 

“Why should I? I’m sick of this. I’m sick of you.” He said angrily.

 

She looked at him and glared.

 

“I’m sick of you too. I wish I’d never even met you.”

 

“Well that makes two of us.”

 

“Good.” She said putting her hands on her hips.

 

“Fine.” He said huffily.

 

They stared at each other silently. Both of them had so much to say, and neither was willing to be the first one to say it. Finally Buffy had had enough.

 

“Look, you’re making this really hard.” She said.

 

“As opposed to how easy you make it for me all the time?”

 

“Ahh! Will you just shut up and listen to me?” She yelled at him.

 

“Fine. What?”

 

She took a deep breath and looked at him.

 

“You drive me crazy. Sometimes, when I’m with you, I want to rip your head off. You’re rude, obnoxious, and insensitive. I hate it when you’re always right. I hate it when you just blurt the truth out to me, without even thinking about how completely shitty it sounds. I hate a lot of stuff about you. But mostly…I hate that I don’t hate you enough. I hate that I love you so much that it makes me sick.” She told him heatedly.

 

He smiled at her and stood up. He shook his head.

 

“That was, without a doubt, the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me.” He told her happily.

 

Her serious expression softened. She raised her eyebrow at him.

 

“You don’t get much romance in your life, do you?” She asked incredulously.

 

He pulled her into his arms.

 

“What? That _was_ romantic.” He insisted.

 

“I just told you how much I can’t stand you. And that loving you makes me sick.”

 

“Yeah, but coming from you, that’s romance.” He smiled as he kissed her. Then he pulled away. “Besides, it may make you sick, but you still love me.”

 

“You’re twisted.”

 

“So are you. That’s why this works so well.” He smiled.

 

She rolled her eyes at him and pulled him in for a lingering kiss. They fell onto the couch together. Finally he pulled back to look at her.

 

“So, what made you finally cave in and admit this? Was it my charm? My irresistibly, handsome good looks?” He asked.

 

“Or your annoying persistence?”

 

“Yeah, that too.” He smiled.

 

“Actually none of the above. I just figured that I needed to stop hiding and start living.” She shrugged.

 

“It’s about bloody time.” He muttered with a smile.

 

She lowered her gaze and stared at her hands.

 

“This thing with you? It terrifies me.” She admitted.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah…But you know what I figured out?”

 

“What?”

 

“I like being scared.” She smiled and kissed him again.

 

For the first time in a very long time, she felt complete. And not just because she’d finally admitted her feelings for Spike. But because she finally realized what life was about. It wasn’t about safety or comfort. It was about chances and choices. Life was what you made it.

 

She had become so convinced that life equaled pain, that she couldn’t see anything else. But she was done with that. Tonight she had confronted her fears. Tonight the piece of herself that had been missing all this time, was returned. She wasn’t broken anymore. She was whole again.

 

Nothing was ever going to be easy, but she didn’t really want it to be easy. That took the mystery out. It took the excitement out. Tonight, she had jumped out of that airplane. She was freefalling into the unknown and it felt exhilarating. She had taken a chance, and thrown her fears aside. This was the second time she had made a choice to leap over the edge. Only this time she wasn’t leaping to her death. She was leaping to her life. And it felt wonderful.

 

 

 

THE END-


End file.
